a decision to be happy

***pop***

isn't amazing how quickly a mood can be changed?

a smile can create joy.
a stern word may cause tears to flow.
a wink can burn one's cheeks.

it's a clear cold winter night.
coming home, i, actually, felt myself embrace the cold. walking up the steps, i enjoyed the sting of the air on my cheeks and the sharpness of my breath.
in.
out.
in... more slowly
out....
i measured my breaths.
(i am practicing yoga again and am embracing the mindfulness which comes along with it.)

at the top of the steps, i looked out over the town. a clear vantage point on top of a hill.
the lights strewn out below me seemed to sparkle like christmas lights on a tree.
standing still for a few moments made my heart feel full.
home.
i began really looking at the landscape. i am amazed at how poorly i know my home town... and also how well. i need to explore more. to create a map of familiarity.

when i walked into the blackness of the door, a large black dog leapt from nowhere unto my chest nearly causing me to fall backwards out the door. lahli! my brother's dog.
instead of irritation, i laughed.
it was unexpected but my good mood buoyed me forward. a tide of goodwill.

i was thinking about running up to the grocery store for a few ingredients for dinner but realized that if i did, i'd miss seeing my brother who would be along shortly to pick up his dogs.

(it turned out to be a short disagreeable encounter.)

first, he flatly refused my invitation for dinner. he has had too much pasta as of late...
which is fine, really, because had he accepted, i would have had to amend the meal to suit his taste.

then, he began discussing in excruciating detail the ins and outs of his student loan payments.
(cringe)
i hate

loathe

despise

discussing money matters.

it's a topic that makes me squirm with discomfiture.

after he left, i felt rattled.
perturbed.
annoyed.
slightly agitated.

i took a deep breath
and continued to make dinner. chopping carrots. dicing red pepper. simmering pasta. now, the dish is in the oven baking.

sigh

"nothing's going to change my world," as lennon once sang.
lovely mantra.
it speaks of the individual's responsibility to create and seek one's own happiness.

(pause)


last night, i watched a most amazing film, "zelary."
it contained so much... truth.
it showed the brutality of war and the power of human's to love in the face of sheer absurdity.
a woman who learns how to become more fully herself.
a man who loves both deeply and simply.
violence springs out of misunderstanding.
war does not make sense.
only love does.