heh.

new year's day.



heh.




last night was wonderful.
spent time with friends from high school.
(a truly rare event... i've maintained almost no connection with people from my high school)
two new numbers added to my cell phone.



today, i am feeling rather let down.
maybe because monk sounded so... tired & irritated with me when i called.
(making myself ask, why did i call?)
i went to the cathedral.
he probably does not approve.
after all, i am neither fully roman nor anglican.
i tattled.
my closest catholic friend, hannah, is now agnostic.
i am not sure how to react.
it was disconcerting.
she's gotten very liberal and i am becoming more conservative.
she seemed a bit disconcerted too. i've always been her far out, hippy friend!
we're moving beyond our old roles and into new ones.



maybe because i am waiting for godot.
(and we all know that godot never arrives)
besides, i am not fond of waiting...

it makes me slightly irritable





maybe because i am feeling unsure about this new year.



i am feeling a little unsettled...
no words of wisdom to be found
no great revelations
no attempt to dive below the surface





yet, here i am.

scrawling my thoughts upon your monitor's screen
asking you to read my thoughts
playing with words and trying to build a life with them


"In silence

we face and admit

that gap

between the depths of our being,

which we consistently ignore,

and the surface

which is so often untrue

to our own reality." Thomas Merton




maybe i just need more than a few scant hours of sleep
and
a
very
long
hot
shower.


tonight, i will wash away the stresses of today, annoint myself with Lovely lotion, and paint into the wee hours... or til inspiration fades away


then, i will curl up with "eyeless in gaza," warm up my bed, and dream about chagall's windows.