solipsistic mental masturbation

"casablanca" rick says, "who are you really and who were you before? what did you do and what did you think, huh?"

i am diving headlong into...
is it sex?
or love?
or intimacy?
are these elements combining or remaining like oil hovering on the surface of water?

(a lovely image: swirling colours but as far as a reality, perplexing)

is the plunging forward an act of courage?
or faith?
is it an act of unbridled optimism?
uninhibited passion?
is it, perhaps, sheer folly?


i am trying to gauge this person,
trying to create...






i must pause and ask myself:
who am i really?
who was i before?
what did i do?
and what did i think?



i overthink everything...
to the point that i sometimes, "know" nothing.


you can be so honest
so truthful
that one's words wind up being convuluted with meaning.

"i should never have studied philosophy," i quip to myself.