Ishmael's response

i hadn't spoken to ishmael in over 5 years.

then, he called.
wanting to make amends.
a nice phone conversation.

i bit my tongue,
listened,
and was amused.

he apologized for using me...
i told him that i had forgiven him (and me) long ago.
i wrote a letter (which was my last post) offering an olive branch, someday... possible friendship.

he wrote this reply:

Jenny,
It was nice to have the opportunity to make amends and finally close a long overdue chapter in my life. Thank you for the affirmations and good intentions that you send our way. Your kindness is appreciated. I also appreciate the acknowledgement of setting boundaries in my life at last. I am finally about my business of living in Spirit, and growing my heart and soul, and these boundaries are an important component.

With this in mind, and with your own affirmation that life is too short to fill our lives with good but hollow intentions, I am affirming the boundary that we had a chapter of our lives together, but that we have moved on. This is for the best for both of us, regardless of how my future unfolds. I would dishonor you to pretend that walking the road towards friendship is my intent. You deserve better than to have me deceive you now and then refuse your kindness later, when your energy could be better spent on someone who will honor you with a return of friendship. I will not be contacting you again in this lifetime, and ask that you never contact me, though I will only send positive thoughts your way. I know this sounds a bit mean, as I recoil even as I type it, and look for ways to soften it without altering it's purpose.

Please understand that it would be dishonest of me to reply otherwise, and that I no longer have a stomach for lying, regardless of appearances. We both deserve to have zero energy or emotion tied up here, and I am severing the nearly invisible thread that has still somehow tied me to you in an odd way for all these years. I can only be where I am, Jenny. I hope that you can understand this, and I will interpret your lack of reply to mean that you do. I wish you an amazing life full of beauty. Good luck in your art, your faith, and in all else that you do.

Goodbye and blessings, Ishmael

heh.

so much for friendship.

i feel as though he contacted me in order to reject me.
in order to feel wanted all over again.
in order to remind me of my desire for him. ironically, his reconnection with me did the exact opposite. it made me realize that i am so very much over him and have lost my desire for him.

sadly, i think that his wife is going to leave him.
so, he's taking the opportunity to leave me.

ironically, seven years ago, i was the one to, ultimately, leave him
literally,
i moved 400 miles away. up into the northern tundra.

now, after 5 years of no contact from either one of us,
i am being handed a "dear jenny" e-mail.

at first, i was angry
and hurt.



then, i went to yoga.




i am amused.
for years, i have sought to lose my desire for ishmael.






today marks the day that my prayer was granted.


(sigh)






be careful what you wish for.... you just might get it.