the beauty of a bulging belly

ugh. i am feeling fat these days...
and i hate it when he just confirms these feelings.
i was looking at bikinis in the store.
he just sneered at me.
me: "what??"
he: "come on, you're too chubby to put on a bikini!!!"
i walk outside and... cried.

i knew that being pregnant meant... well, looking fat.
(skinny pregnant women are rare freaks of nature!!!)
i also know that after i have the baby, i will spend
a year or so working off the baby weight... optimistically.

i really, really, really miss being a thin person!!!!!

i thought that being preggers was my ticket to enjoying being
round and plump!!! he is kinda turned off by the extra
weight. he looks at me like i am deformed.
(i try not to change in front of him.)

i've tried to talk to him about it and he accused me of
judging him. i suppose that i am. i am resentful that he
isn't appreciating me as i am. instead, he's slinking off
and looking at the suicide girls (a posh collection of
20 something alternative girls who all weigh 100-115 lbs.)
looking at other women is fine and very healthy... except
when you are not able to show attention and appreciation
for the person you are intimate.

he has a history of not being attracted to the woman he is
dating/married. this helps.... to a small degree. it puts his
behaviour in context. it's not just me...

i know that i am not heidi klum.
yet, i wish he could see my beauty.
he sees beauty in a wide range of other women.
he gets turned on by women of many sizes and shapes.
yet, he looks at me with a more severe judgement.
my ass is too wide.
my body too plump.
then, of course, there's the part of me that is projecting my
insecurities upon him. i am feeling very body conscious.
i scrutinize every bite that goes in my mouth.
i agonize over the condition of my skin.
i want to be as healthy as possible.

for some reason, the fact that other men (and women) are
affectionate, flirtatious, and flattering makes his silence
more disconcerting. his attention means more than theirs.
his flattery has more significance to me.
why is it that all of the world could think me beautiful and
yet, i hold my breath for him to think so too???????????????

i know that there are moments when i look... horrid.
blotchy face. red nose. puffy eyes. etc

what if he cannot see me as attractive?
i do not understand why women are attracted to ethan hawke
or heath ledger (though heath is not ugly... and ethan is,
in my humble opinion.)
this does not mean than ethan hawke IS ugly... only that i
find him so. many others hold a far different opinion,
including the gorgeous uma thurman, at one point in time.

you cannot force someone to prefer vanilla or chocolate.
you cannot convince someone to like black jelly beans.

so, i realize that he may never see my beauty as others do.
yet, i feel as though i have a "right" to expect affection
and flattery from my lover.

i feel as though i could be with someone who would treat me
better. love me better.

i am caught feeling as though he is depriving me of what someone
else could give me.

i deserve to be loved.

he does not take my picture very often.
a man who puports to love to take people's photos.
other people.
when he does, he does not seek to find a way to flatter me.
quick snap shots.
he is not interested in photographing my pregnancy (or rather he's
taken no initiative to do so...)

he wants to take the photos of beautiful women...
and seduce them.
many an atist has had the exact same aspiration.
diego rivera frequently shagged his models.

picasso maintained a number of mistresses in addition to his
wife or primary partner. he was married twice and had four
children by three women.

male artists have had reputations of wandering eyes and a lust
for variety.
he is responsible for filling this need in his life...
because it goes beyond my ability to fulfill. i am only one woman.
does he not also owe me a certain degree of attention to my
needs? or is he unable?
if he is unable, what am i to do???



this is where i am.