who we are

my dearest,


i have known for most of our relationship that you are neither comfortable with
nor inclined towards 'traditonal monogamy.'

the process of getting to know you has given me the unexpected gift of
self-revelation.

for example, i've become aware that i felt compelled to choose between the two
halves of myself: heterosexual and lesbian.
choosing felt wrong and yet, necessary.
i chose to have relationships with men because my greatest desire is "becoming a
mom." i want to give birth and raise a child more than i want practically anything else in my life. my child is the one of the greatest loves of my life.

you may ask: couldn't you do that with a woman?
my reply: no.
my child deserves to have a loving father. women may nurture and love
but we can never give the child the same kind of love as a father.

i have never been able to imagine the idea of only being attracted to one person.
i am a flirt. it's my nature. i love meeting people. i enjoy being 'single'...
i am neither comfortable nor inclined towards, 'traditonal monogamy.'

i neither want to imagine staying with you 'always' nor do i want to imagine a life
without you as a part of it. all i know is that i want you in my life.

i know that you will kiss other women:
and i ask myself, "will he still want to kiss me?"

i know that you will have sex with other women:
and i ask myself, "will he tire of having sex with me?"

i am not afraid of you wanting other people: i want other people.
i am not afraid of you being turned on by other people: i am turned on.
i am not afraid of your sexual drives or desires: they excite me.

you will love other women.
other women will love you.

"can you love them without tossing me aside?"

then, a deeper fear exists inside of me.
a fear of other women.
a fear of how i've seen other women treat men.
some women lie.
some women manipulate.
i feel fiercely protective of you.
i don't want anyone to misuse or abuse what i think is your best quality:
your wide open loving nature.

i am scared that after having sex with another woman
and allowing yourself to be fully yourself.
you will not want me.

i want you to be fully you,
and i don't want to impede you in any way.

(i expect to be allowed the freedom to be fully my self,
which also means sleeping with and loving women.)

it's an odd moment of truth:
i want you to be completely free
and i want you still to want me.

the other night, you affirmed a truth for me.
jen asked you, "aren't you afraid jenny will leave you?"
you said, "no."


my mind is trying to untie a puzzle.
what am i really afraid of?

after all, you will love me... or you won't.
you will stay... or you will leave.

these are fully your choices.
they are not mine.
nor could they ever be.

i will love you... or (i pause because i don't want to imagine, won't)
i will stay... or i will leave.

these are my choices.
they are fully mine.

to be very, very honest. i am afraid of leaving you.
and there is another fear to which i have yet to give a voice.
(this is where my moment of hesitation lies. i want to not only be
fully honest with you but also my self.)

thank you for explaining how you perceived my 'neediness' that night.
your reaction felt both swift and cruel; yet, i know that you are not cruel.
thank you for recognizing the truth of my feelings.
i, honestly, did not want to control or manipulate you.
i simply wanted to say, "please help me."

since then, perhaps in less obvious ways i have come to you in small and quiet ways for love and support; to your credit, you have been there for me.


i love you.
you are one of the greatest loves of my life.


yours,