the letter

dear,

i am confused by the negative energy that is spilling off of you today.
why do i feel responsible?
why am i letting it wash over me in syncopated waves... short, sharp waves?

(tangent: i will always choose the word that makes sense to my mind.
in this case, i realize my choice may be a little convoluted... unnecesarily complicated?
i am never trying to speak in any way but my natural voice: to try to do otherwise
feels insincere.)

i am sorry for sharing that self-indulgent little poem.
after you left, i felt like a dolt.
why am i speaking of love... in the face, of his confusion? uncertainty? pain?



which brings me to why i am sitting tapping my thoughts into words:

i want you to know where i am: re: envisioning a polyamorous future

first of all, i am relieved.
i feel that i need the security of a "base relationship": a partnership,
a person who is "home", a confidante, a source of unconditional love.

at this point, i hope that you are my partner but honestly,
i do not know this.

i am nervous.
will you allow me to be truly me?
will you try to dismantle me bit by bit?
will i once again fall into a relaitonship in which i am always... somehow wrong?
will i say the wrong things?
or maybe, just say the right things wrong?
will you dismiss my emotionality?
will you throw my sexuality in my face?
judge my desire?

i am prone to losing track of time,
of ideas,
i lose things too.
i have lost periods of my life.
no memory.
it's embarassing... i reach for a memory and find an empty box.
i don't remember the guy in the photo.

i am nervous.
will you embark on a journey and leave me behind?
will you lose interest in me?
i am threatened by other women.

i want to understand this fear: where is its origin?
why am i reacting this way?

i love many people in my life.
it occurred to me today that i tell at least two people every day that i love them.
i want this for you.
i want love to fill your life. i want you to be surounded by people who love you.
you deserve love.

you are truly amazing.





this is where i reach a divide in my thoughts: sex and love

i love all of these people... but i am only having sex with you.



why do i feel that having sex with another person would be harmful to you?



have i created a false dichotomy? what assumptions am i making?


i am brimming with questions right now.
i am trying to foresee the future. i am trying to anticipate....

what am i anticipating? why am i trying to live ahead of myself?


i am finding myself thrown between two opposing emotions:
fear and elation.


part of me,
is really, really excited.

we both love having sex with women!
we can have sex with women together!

"if you said,
'jump into the river'
i would
because it would probably be a good idea"

trusting you
feels very natural...
almost too much so.

i am uncomfortably aware of how much i trust you
when you get angry at me....

i feel defenseless.


these words feel as though they are falling short.
i am not trying to blame you for my reactions.... but i want you to know that they exist.
in the end, i am responsible for my own happiness.
i control my own inner balance...
when i react to you, i need to assume a degree of responsibilty.
you can only influence me as much as i am willing to be influenced.


i want to be completely honest with you...
and in doing so, be honest with myself.
(as you were saying earlier)


thank you
for taking this journey with me.
for exploring your inner truth
for being vulnerable
for letting me be vulnerable
for sharing
and for allowing me to share.

thank you for your trust.



i think that we need some time apart.
not because i don't want to see you,
because i DO want to see you.



we have a long and marvelous conversation ahead of us.
it's one that will require hours rather than minutes, weeks instead of days.


i want both of us to have the time and space to sort our thoughts.






come over when the time feels right.