note to a friend

hey hon,

he is being pissy... because i am feeling sad!!!

grrrrrr.

he is assuming that my sadness is somehow HIS fault.

yikes!
i am feeling sad because:

1.) i am scared of losing another baby.
in 10 days, i will either mense or i won't.
life has become a 28 day cycle... of hoping and waiting and worrying.

2.) i was feeling affectionate today and... he wasn't.
is that his "fault"???? hell no!
did i feel a little let down? yes
he doesn't need to change... i need to change my reaction.

3.) i cleaned the house today. he read.
this was a choice that i made.
yet, i resent the fact that he doesn't seem to notice...
today, i asked him: did you noticed that i cleaned?
him: yes (long pause)
if i lived alone, i would have washed the dishes today,
i would have vacuumed, etc

why is it that i feel as though he should acknowledge my efforts?
when i become a mom, i foresee that i will do more.
(sigh) if i ever get pregnant again...
i have bad dreams about bleeding...

which brings me back to my worries about becoming a mom.
:-/ that's where i'm at.

moi