the beauty of a bulging belly

ugh. i am feeling fat these days...
and i hate it when he just confirms these feelings.
i was looking at bikinis in the store.
he just sneered at me.
me: "what??"
he: "come on, you're too chubby to put on a bikini!!!"
i walk outside and... cried.

i knew that being pregnant meant... well, looking fat.
(skinny pregnant women are rare freaks of nature!!!)
i also know that after i have the baby, i will spend
a year or so working off the baby weight... optimistically.

i really, really, really miss being a thin person!!!!!

i thought that being preggers was my ticket to enjoying being
round and plump!!! he is kinda turned off by the extra
weight. he looks at me like i am deformed.
(i try not to change in front of him.)

i've tried to talk to him about it and he accused me of
judging him. i suppose that i am. i am resentful that he
isn't appreciating me as i am. instead, he's slinking off
and looking at the suicide girls (a posh collection of
20 something alternative girls who all weigh 100-115 lbs.)
looking at other women is fine and very healthy... except
when you are not able to show attention and appreciation
for the person you are intimate.

he has a history of not being attracted to the woman he is
dating/married. this helps.... to a small degree. it puts his
behaviour in context. it's not just me...

i know that i am not heidi klum.
yet, i wish he could see my beauty.
he sees beauty in a wide range of other women.
he gets turned on by women of many sizes and shapes.
yet, he looks at me with a more severe judgement.
my ass is too wide.
my body too plump.
then, of course, there's the part of me that is projecting my
insecurities upon him. i am feeling very body conscious.
i scrutinize every bite that goes in my mouth.
i agonize over the condition of my skin.
i want to be as healthy as possible.

for some reason, the fact that other men (and women) are
affectionate, flirtatious, and flattering makes his silence
more disconcerting. his attention means more than theirs.
his flattery has more significance to me.
why is it that all of the world could think me beautiful and
yet, i hold my breath for him to think so too???????????????

i know that there are moments when i look... horrid.
blotchy face. red nose. puffy eyes. etc

what if he cannot see me as attractive?
i do not understand why women are attracted to ethan hawke
or heath ledger (though heath is not ugly... and ethan is,
in my humble opinion.)
this does not mean than ethan hawke IS ugly... only that i
find him so. many others hold a far different opinion,
including the gorgeous uma thurman, at one point in time.

you cannot force someone to prefer vanilla or chocolate.
you cannot convince someone to like black jelly beans.

so, i realize that he may never see my beauty as others do.
yet, i feel as though i have a "right" to expect affection
and flattery from my lover.

i feel as though i could be with someone who would treat me
better. love me better.

i am caught feeling as though he is depriving me of what someone
else could give me.

i deserve to be loved.

he does not take my picture very often.
a man who puports to love to take people's photos.
other people.
when he does, he does not seek to find a way to flatter me.
quick snap shots.
he is not interested in photographing my pregnancy (or rather he's
taken no initiative to do so...)

he wants to take the photos of beautiful women...
and seduce them.
many an atist has had the exact same aspiration.
diego rivera frequently shagged his models.

picasso maintained a number of mistresses in addition to his
wife or primary partner. he was married twice and had four
children by three women.

male artists have had reputations of wandering eyes and a lust
for variety.
he is responsible for filling this need in his life...
because it goes beyond my ability to fulfill. i am only one woman.
does he not also owe me a certain degree of attention to my
needs? or is he unable?
if he is unable, what am i to do???



this is where i am.

he said, she said

-----Original Message-----Sent: Sunday, February 04, 2007 11:05 PM

To: Ishmael

Subject: the story of jeff and me

hi ishmael,i am just writing to you because i am happy. really, really happy.
i live with a wonderful man who is extraordinary and who is going to bethe father of my child. we've had one miscarriage but we've dusted ourselves off and are trying again.

how are you? how is lennon? i bet that he's tall and handsome like you.how does he like high school? could you please send me a photo of him?

wishing you all the best,jenny


Original Message:-----------------

From: IshmaelDate: Mon, 05 Feb 2007 01:21:53 -0500
To: jenny
Subject: RE: the story of jeff and me

Jenny,
Against my better judgment, I'm answering this email, but only because of it's very interesting timing (explained below).

I am glad that you are happy. I wish you a wonderful life full of intimacy and trust and connectedness and self-knowledge. I hope thatyou get everything that your heart longs for and that you feel fulfilled in your life.

Lennon is doing well. Yes, he is tall and handsome...6'3", if you can believe it. He surpassed my 6' a year ago and keeps growing. Our relationship is far better than ever. My truthfulness with him and my recovery have done wonders for how we relate to each other. He has claimed a sensitive side that he neglected for a long time. I have claimed my fatherhood and connected to him in a way I'd never been ableto before. He plays chess and bass guitar and loves coffee shops. I just took him to NYC last month and we had a great time. We enjoy each other...he doesn't push against me like he used to...he's starting to feel more relaxed, like kids often do as sophomores. He likes school ok...not the student I was, but thankfully is planning to attend college now, in part because of his relationship with John (his godfather...you remember him). I will forward you a short photoshow of our NYC trip separately so you can see what he looks like.

I guess I could end it here on a nice, friendly tone, but that wouldn'texplain why I'm responding. Your timing is very intriguing to me, as I just sent a friend an email and used my experience of our former relationship to illustrate something for her. This is more thought than I've given to that since we talked on the phone doing my amends to you. I'm including the email below, as perhaps it'll explain for you why I do not pursue a friendship with you. I'm sure you'll disagree with details and how I portrayed your emotional state...I don't pretend it to be current, though you confessed to its accuracy at one time. The important thing is that it explains where I am...my process...or at least where I've been. I don't trust you...you pursued me for a longtime when I offered you so little...crumbs, really. I felt smothered by your affection and I lost respect for you that you would accept so little when you deserved much more (I had lost my own self-respect aswell). My judgment is that you are emotionally needy and I recoil from that. Why do you persist in seeking a friendship with me?

I hope I don't regret my asking and opening this line of communication...it's just that I'm excited about this new theory of mine and open to your half of the experience. I've discovered that my psyche craves both sides of an experience...the positive and perceived negative...I consistently manifest both...especially this past year...and this makes sense for my journey towards understanding of myown psyche...the light and the dark...and both sides of the same coin...my psyche drawing towards me what is mine to explore at this time so it can become more conscious, can make that which was unknown known. Often this has been unconscious (and reluctant) wants that have been manifested. I suspect that ultimately it will continue to be the things that my soul needs to grow that will show up. And I am pleased with this, even as it takes shape differently than I would have chosen for it to do. So the timing of you reaching out again just as I was exploringthe dynamics underlying our relationship prompts me to ask for your side of it (I've already experienced it...I became Rachel's "Jenny" bypursuing her up until the divorce, until there remained no hope of reconciliation, of my "redemption".) But I'm still interested in hearing your take on my theory and of the underlying dynamics of that long ago relationship. Just remember that I acknowledge that the specifics below weren't the only dynamics at play...there were many positive ones as well...these are just the deal breakers that I'm discussing here, in relation to what attracts or repels us to certain relationships.

Ishmael

From:To: Subject:RE: the mirror, fresh theory, and the Ishmael plan
Date:Sunday, February 04, 2007 7:53:15 PM
The mirror...Try this on, see if any pieces of it fit...The reason that your "witness" idea was so engaging to me is that I'm doing compatible work around this idea...I have a new theory regardingour feelings surrounding particular relationships. I suspect that it's less who the other person is for us than who we are for them and how we show up for the relationship that determines our feelings about them. For example, I've been softly stalked by an old girlfriend for 11 years now...Jenny just never gave up on the idea that I was her soul mate or that she'd never find anyone else like me...she's hung on through the breakup, and me dating other women and not her (she had to move away todeal with that), then through my 7 year marriage, and still she looks up my contact info on the internet and calls and writes me periodically, although I've explicitly asked her not to call again and I've ignored her calls and letters for years at a time. She went 5 years with no reply from me, then only an amends 4th step with a request to let the closure remain, and for the friendship to end on a good note, and to not contact me again, to no avail. So I've been studying my aversion to her. Of course, her emotional neediness is the biggest part, and her Tom-like sticky-sweet machinations.
But not all of it... Jenny wasn't supposed to fall in love...she knew that, knew where I was(rebounding from a heartbreak, Sarah). but she did. She gave me everything my ego wanted...talked art and philosophy with me (she was anart student turned philosophy major), supplied all the excitement andespresso and pot that I wanted (I don't smoke now), she was a total nympho...and in the end I lost all interest. What I've realized is thatit's who I was in the relationship that was the biggest deal breaker,the biggest aversion for me. I didn't like that I knew I should have left earlier and didn't. I didn't like that it became comfortable to not place her needs first while she placed mine first. I didn't like my own self-centeredness. I didn't like the dynamic that I let myself fall into...her enablement for me to not give my best. I had a sour taste in my mouth mostly because of who I was in the relationship. Regardless of how Jenny could show up now, I don't want her as my friend...thus the intriguing witness idea, that we don't want witnesses around who know about our fuck-ups.

Perhaps you dislike how you are able to show up as a friend to Tom, andyou project your dislike of this dynamic onto him. This projection keeps you bonded to him further and unable to easily release him until you see it and gain the wisdom that your psyche craves. I suspect that we are bound to a cycle until we outgrow it or at least discern it and begin working to release it. Maybe some of your frustrations with others' not learning their lessons has to do with a cycle that you haven't released. Maybe you'll discover what it is and you'll find beneath it a wellspring of patience for the circuitous slow routes of others, even as you refuse still (and rightly so) to accept it affecting you adversely. Explore this a bit and see what you think...this is fresh theory, still under development, and open to comment.

"Nothing is right in her life, and she will not do anything about it. I can't relate." This is interesting comment, given that it's followed by "I spent the better part of my life trying to figure out how he felt,why he did things, how I was supposed to please him, how he was going to react. And in the end, he never ever changes." You try to control that which you have no control over. She refuses to control that which she can. You seem to be frustrated by those who do not employ your own winning formula...control. Another option is to say to yourself "she'll eventually tire of being a victim" and letting her be free, guilt-free, to hit bottom so that she can discern it for herself at a deep enough level to begin to outgrow it and release the cycle. Because the truth is that your winning formula doesn't work either...nor does mine...no one's does, really...at somepoint hopefully we'll learn that there is nothing to control, nothing to forgive, nothing to be redeemed for, that we are already enough, already loved, already worthy, already connected, and that all our strategies are ill-founded in that they are trying to correct a problem in us that doesn't really exist. Of course, if I truly believed that in my heart and not just toying with the idea intellectually, my life would look much different than it does.

"Probably yelling and hitting people with a stick will be anunacceptable practice" These are perfectly acceptable practices for Zenmasters and Catholic school teachers...last century...you've just been born into the wrong era, I'm afraid... "...and rolling my eyes, I know that is really, really bad." How did eye-rolling get elevated above physical violence on the badness scale? You may need a little training, after all.

Ishmael

A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. -author unknown

note to a friend

hey hon,

he is being pissy... because i am feeling sad!!!

grrrrrr.

he is assuming that my sadness is somehow HIS fault.

yikes!
i am feeling sad because:

1.) i am scared of losing another baby.
in 10 days, i will either mense or i won't.
life has become a 28 day cycle... of hoping and waiting and worrying.

2.) i was feeling affectionate today and... he wasn't.
is that his "fault"???? hell no!
did i feel a little let down? yes
he doesn't need to change... i need to change my reaction.

3.) i cleaned the house today. he read.
this was a choice that i made.
yet, i resent the fact that he doesn't seem to notice...
today, i asked him: did you noticed that i cleaned?
him: yes (long pause)
if i lived alone, i would have washed the dishes today,
i would have vacuumed, etc

why is it that i feel as though he should acknowledge my efforts?
when i become a mom, i foresee that i will do more.
(sigh) if i ever get pregnant again...
i have bad dreams about bleeding...

which brings me back to my worries about becoming a mom.
:-/ that's where i'm at.

moi

who we are

my dearest,


i have known for most of our relationship that you are neither comfortable with
nor inclined towards 'traditonal monogamy.'

the process of getting to know you has given me the unexpected gift of
self-revelation.

for example, i've become aware that i felt compelled to choose between the two
halves of myself: heterosexual and lesbian.
choosing felt wrong and yet, necessary.
i chose to have relationships with men because my greatest desire is "becoming a
mom." i want to give birth and raise a child more than i want practically anything else in my life. my child is the one of the greatest loves of my life.

you may ask: couldn't you do that with a woman?
my reply: no.
my child deserves to have a loving father. women may nurture and love
but we can never give the child the same kind of love as a father.

i have never been able to imagine the idea of only being attracted to one person.
i am a flirt. it's my nature. i love meeting people. i enjoy being 'single'...
i am neither comfortable nor inclined towards, 'traditonal monogamy.'

i neither want to imagine staying with you 'always' nor do i want to imagine a life
without you as a part of it. all i know is that i want you in my life.

i know that you will kiss other women:
and i ask myself, "will he still want to kiss me?"

i know that you will have sex with other women:
and i ask myself, "will he tire of having sex with me?"

i am not afraid of you wanting other people: i want other people.
i am not afraid of you being turned on by other people: i am turned on.
i am not afraid of your sexual drives or desires: they excite me.

you will love other women.
other women will love you.

"can you love them without tossing me aside?"

then, a deeper fear exists inside of me.
a fear of other women.
a fear of how i've seen other women treat men.
some women lie.
some women manipulate.
i feel fiercely protective of you.
i don't want anyone to misuse or abuse what i think is your best quality:
your wide open loving nature.

i am scared that after having sex with another woman
and allowing yourself to be fully yourself.
you will not want me.

i want you to be fully you,
and i don't want to impede you in any way.

(i expect to be allowed the freedom to be fully my self,
which also means sleeping with and loving women.)

it's an odd moment of truth:
i want you to be completely free
and i want you still to want me.

the other night, you affirmed a truth for me.
jen asked you, "aren't you afraid jenny will leave you?"
you said, "no."


my mind is trying to untie a puzzle.
what am i really afraid of?

after all, you will love me... or you won't.
you will stay... or you will leave.

these are fully your choices.
they are not mine.
nor could they ever be.

i will love you... or (i pause because i don't want to imagine, won't)
i will stay... or i will leave.

these are my choices.
they are fully mine.

to be very, very honest. i am afraid of leaving you.
and there is another fear to which i have yet to give a voice.
(this is where my moment of hesitation lies. i want to not only be
fully honest with you but also my self.)

thank you for explaining how you perceived my 'neediness' that night.
your reaction felt both swift and cruel; yet, i know that you are not cruel.
thank you for recognizing the truth of my feelings.
i, honestly, did not want to control or manipulate you.
i simply wanted to say, "please help me."

since then, perhaps in less obvious ways i have come to you in small and quiet ways for love and support; to your credit, you have been there for me.


i love you.
you are one of the greatest loves of my life.


yours,

ear ache at 3 am

i am in extreme pain

i cannot fit a qtip into my ear

it has swollen
shut

sound is muffled

pain extreme

the left side of my face
has begun
to become tender
in sympathy


my stomach is sore
queasy

i cannot sleep
i resent being awake


there is nothing i can do

but

wait

to have a doctor tell me
that my ear is infected
and
that i need medication

here i am

i was unnecessarily hostile

yelling
can be it own form of violence

and my words were filled with the anger of a wounded person

you don't know
or don't realize
how
or if?
i've been wounded.

i have been.

i thought that you were my primary relationship.
i thought that you were my closest of close.
i thought that you loved me.

and i know my love for you.

despite your assertion that we are not 'intimate'
i do love you.

yet,
i need to be apart from you.

i do not wish to coerce you into loving me.
i do not want to possess you.

you are angry at me.
this makes me feel like a simpleton.
ignorant and stupid.

you act as though i have in some way conned you...
or caused you to act against your wishes...

please know that i've acted with honesty and good faith.

please know that i want only good things for you.

please know that i care for your deeply.


have i advertised a bond with you?
advertise seems like such a vulgar word.
i have been open and honest about loving you...
and struggling to understand your pain.

i did believe that you and i formed a sort of partnership.
i thought that you had chosen me as your primary relationship...

i feel stripped
naked
exposed

the jenny has no relationship.


i don't know how to proceed.
when you realize that you've been acting on a false perception of the world,
how do you determine what is real?

today,
you shifted my reality.

it hurt.

i do not recognize the woman whom you are attacking.
i rummage through my mind and feel a disconnect bewtween your words & my actions.


i am numb
and cannot sort my thoughts.

the letter

dear,

i am confused by the negative energy that is spilling off of you today.
why do i feel responsible?
why am i letting it wash over me in syncopated waves... short, sharp waves?

(tangent: i will always choose the word that makes sense to my mind.
in this case, i realize my choice may be a little convoluted... unnecesarily complicated?
i am never trying to speak in any way but my natural voice: to try to do otherwise
feels insincere.)

i am sorry for sharing that self-indulgent little poem.
after you left, i felt like a dolt.
why am i speaking of love... in the face, of his confusion? uncertainty? pain?



which brings me to why i am sitting tapping my thoughts into words:

i want you to know where i am: re: envisioning a polyamorous future

first of all, i am relieved.
i feel that i need the security of a "base relationship": a partnership,
a person who is "home", a confidante, a source of unconditional love.

at this point, i hope that you are my partner but honestly,
i do not know this.

i am nervous.
will you allow me to be truly me?
will you try to dismantle me bit by bit?
will i once again fall into a relaitonship in which i am always... somehow wrong?
will i say the wrong things?
or maybe, just say the right things wrong?
will you dismiss my emotionality?
will you throw my sexuality in my face?
judge my desire?

i am prone to losing track of time,
of ideas,
i lose things too.
i have lost periods of my life.
no memory.
it's embarassing... i reach for a memory and find an empty box.
i don't remember the guy in the photo.

i am nervous.
will you embark on a journey and leave me behind?
will you lose interest in me?
i am threatened by other women.

i want to understand this fear: where is its origin?
why am i reacting this way?

i love many people in my life.
it occurred to me today that i tell at least two people every day that i love them.
i want this for you.
i want love to fill your life. i want you to be surounded by people who love you.
you deserve love.

you are truly amazing.





this is where i reach a divide in my thoughts: sex and love

i love all of these people... but i am only having sex with you.



why do i feel that having sex with another person would be harmful to you?



have i created a false dichotomy? what assumptions am i making?


i am brimming with questions right now.
i am trying to foresee the future. i am trying to anticipate....

what am i anticipating? why am i trying to live ahead of myself?


i am finding myself thrown between two opposing emotions:
fear and elation.


part of me,
is really, really excited.

we both love having sex with women!
we can have sex with women together!

"if you said,
'jump into the river'
i would
because it would probably be a good idea"

trusting you
feels very natural...
almost too much so.

i am uncomfortably aware of how much i trust you
when you get angry at me....

i feel defenseless.


these words feel as though they are falling short.
i am not trying to blame you for my reactions.... but i want you to know that they exist.
in the end, i am responsible for my own happiness.
i control my own inner balance...
when i react to you, i need to assume a degree of responsibilty.
you can only influence me as much as i am willing to be influenced.


i want to be completely honest with you...
and in doing so, be honest with myself.
(as you were saying earlier)


thank you
for taking this journey with me.
for exploring your inner truth
for being vulnerable
for letting me be vulnerable
for sharing
and for allowing me to share.

thank you for your trust.



i think that we need some time apart.
not because i don't want to see you,
because i DO want to see you.



we have a long and marvelous conversation ahead of us.
it's one that will require hours rather than minutes, weeks instead of days.


i want both of us to have the time and space to sort our thoughts.






come over when the time feels right.

the miracle

the miracle

an egg and a sperm
so small
sex on the microscopic level

the converging

of him
into me

and

me
into him



a tiny beginning
cells splitting
multiplying


the beginning of life

every cell a blueprint
for
every other cell


a life beginning

inside
of me

my body will become the universe
for a burgeoning life

my womb
an ocean

my body
the sun, the moon, and the stars

i will become
a source of light
and hope
and love

my voice will be the wind

i dream of him pressing his lips
to my belly
whispering secrets to our child

he will be in me
and i in him


he will give me
the gift
of motherhood

i will give him
the gift
of fatherhood

neither one of us
will deserve
our child

a gift from God