semasiology: arguing over semantics

last night, we drank... and drank... and drank.
i played the submissive. i practically was licking the corners of his mouth like a submissive dog. "would you like another drink?" or just making him a new one when he lifted his glass. i was being obliging.

later, it turned ugly. i thought that i heard him call me stupid under his breath in spanish. i repeated it. i am not known for speaking clearly. i am known for making verbal blunders. fred took offense. he claimed that it was i who called him stupid. sadly, the first part of this conversation happened in spanish. then, i tried to explain that i had used the word because i had thought that i heard the word.
i don't know if he did use the word. i only know that i thought that i heard the word being used.
he wanted me to admit that i was wrong.
i wanted him to admit that i was not intentionally calling him stupid.
i was reacting to something that may or may not have been said.

it got emotional.

he accused me of always having to be right.
i felt like a victim.
i felt like he wouldn't even allow for the fact that i was reacting to something. (even a misconception is something) that i had not called him stupid... which is what he was accusing me of.
furthermore, it disturbed me to think that i may have reacted to something that never happened. in short, i was asking, "am i hearing things???" i was not ruling out the possibility. this fear was compounded by the fact that i was drunk. who knows how badly i slaughtered the spanish language in my attempt to tell him that i thought that he said...
who knows what conjugation i used? regardless of the content of my speech, i did know, do know my intention was never to call him stupid.

i apologized. i begged. i grovelled.

we talked in circles. neither one of us reaching the other person. i saw the entanglement. it was possible that neither one of us were right.
i may have mis-heard him.
in trying to ascertain whether he had said the now, infamous word, mis- spoke.
he mis-understood my intention and thought that i had called him the word.

this morning, he is mad at me.
i was too emotional.
i was wrong.
he was right.
i was supposed to come to this conclusion sooner. i was supposed to assume that what he says is right and what i think or feel is wrong.
he feels justified.
he feels vindicated.
he feels like he deserves to have me grovel.
he feels superior to me.


i seem to always be wrong.
i am tired.
i am sad.

i feel as though there is no way for me not to be blamed.

mea culpa. mea culpa. maxi mea culpa.
by my fault, by my fault, by my own most grievous fault.

am i too relativistic? am i too literal? do i parse my words to carefully? do i cleave meanings?

cursillo

this weekend, i went on a retreat and prayed and laughed and cried and was amazed by the grace and beauty of God's love expressed through a loving Christian community.

i realized that:

i want to marry someone who has a strong and active faith life.
to attend church with my husband.
to have more shared interests.

when you say "i do" to someone, you say: i accept you just as you are, as you have been, and as you will be. i will grow old with you and love you through thick and thin. i will be your partner in all things.

fred and i do not share our lives fully with one another.

he is a good and decent man but not the right man for me.

it would be unfair to know this and not tell him. he may hate me but living with him and not telling him would be unfair. i am not ready to play the role of bitch. i am too honest to being lieing through omission.

(deep breath)