words left behind

i am sifting through old 4 1/2 floppies. some files are obsolete, created with programs which have gone the way of 'gopher.'

i found this file... written by ishmael.

i am cleaning house in so many ways. not only in the physical details.

a poem which one of us, i don't remember if it was him or me...
5-26-96

The dress on the floor
filled in the blanks
Who are you, really?
Who are you with whom I have given so quickly?

I can do anything
most anything
I know that I can do anything
with you here at my side

intimacy
the communion of my body and yours
The convergence of two into one


this, on the other hand, are his words:

Stuff to Chew on


I am being haunted by the ghosts of dead men.
As are we all. We pretend that we are free, but we are bound by the lives of our ancestors. We invent Gods to play the part of our ancestors. Our God's give us a story to enact, a story which explains the meaning of the world and our part in it. Our God's are given the credit (or perhaps being blamed-- depending upon the religious view held) for arranging our circumstances.

I contend that our ancestors, or the forefathers of our culture, are responsible for our current circumstances. We can change our circumstances, but we must play their game and by their rules. Therefore, by definition, our ancestors are responsible for our current situation at birth. There is no refuting this fact in the narrowest sense, but can it be applied in a broader sense to explain the ultimate human psychological, sociological, philosophical, and even biological riddles?

Have you ever noticed that a cat is ultra-mentally alert? A cat is generally totally alert in a room, or else it is unconscious on the floor. Definitely states of consciousness polarities. Dogs, on the other hand, tend to be shorter-sighted and weaker-minded creatures. Less independent and more conditionable. This is not dog-bashing, it is simply observing plain facts. One could quite likely say that dog mentality, cat mentality, and human mentality, are mere "mentality types" of perception. We are all biological organisms with a different orientation towards the "not-me." The not me, of course, being everything that is not the self-hood. Thus, the perceptive orientation is determined largely by the species, to a lesser degree by the culture, and even lesser by the individual. Why, even the plant kingdom is simply an organism of a differing orientation to the "not-me."

The phrase "just plain facts" is an interesting one. Is there such a thing as a plain fact? How could that plain fact be observed except through the orientation of the observer. Can that observer ever truly be unbiased in his perception, when his ability is determined by his physical situation, to a large part, much more than by his self-hood? The not-me is irrefutably more powerful than the self-hood, for it creates, defines, and nurtures the self-hood. Our physical, mental, psychological, and philosophical situation is the legacy of the not-me, and to a lesser extent the genus, then the species, then the culture, then the self-hood. The self-hood is the narrowest sense of consciousness, as well as the least influential. It is ironic, then, that the development of the culture, the species, and the genus is determined solely by the self-hood. With fetters, we interpret and develop the world. But one can conceivably build an empire while attached to a roadside chain gang.

At most times I feel that I interpret the world with less clarity. My mind simply cannot handle too much focus. I seem to either carry around an umbrella of mental fog, or else traverse a smoky reality, with only an occasional lighthouse to assist my navigation. And in this reality sits I, with stunted vision in either case.

At times I feel that I am interpreting well, or at least with sharper focus. I suspect that everyone experiences this. Is there merit to these moments of clarity? What is it that causes an insight to feel so right? Does man possess a self-imposed creator of perception, or is there an underlying reality which permeates our perceptual abilities for mere moments only?

I feel stunted because I rarely express myself creatively. I do feel a genuine need for expression, but rarely give it any thought. Thus, I at times feel frustration, and at other times find alternate ways of creative expression. In hindsight, I recall periods of my life in which this expression was satisfied, or at least attempted to be, through play, through art, through religion, through social interaction, and through writing. This deep personal need for expression is most fondly remembered when manifested as play. In fact, all other personal expression occurring after the stage of play appears to attempt to sublimate that original enjoyment of play into a socially acceptable form. Our society largely restricts our play options through its norms and mores by which we are expected to live. It is the liberation of the emotional self which is the ultimate goal of this emotional compulsion.

Ponderings upon ponderings
I shall die atop a heap o' ponderings,
Pondering all the while.

My understanding of my hate for you enables me to see that I hate you for my own faults.

I wish that we could be impartial towards each other, to jointly establish a bond of equality which we adhere to while we explore our world and understand ourselves.

I realize that I cannot totally empathize with others. In fact, I often find myself isolating myself through passive aggressive behaviors. Too often I forget to remind myself of my own perceptual limitations. My awareness of my desire to enact this mentality will assist my self-hood (some call it soul) to achieve better connection with others.

Is our social need a result of an unconscious human need for interaction with the world? If so, what other ways is this unconscious need manifested? Through play, then sociality, then cycles of religion and sociality? Where does our need for interaction with the not-me manifest as expression and as the deeper need for being understood?

When the muse has left me, should I feel elated for her gifts or downcast for her departure?

What role does gratitude play in the human situation? Should we be grateful to the not-me? Truly, this is the more pleasant attitude, but does it reflect a "correct" interpretation of the not-me? Surely no one desires to live a life adhered to principles founded on a false reality.

Why is it that I do not posses the faith that so many other humans seem to be experiencing?

My instincts may encompass an eclectic list of ideologies fashioned nearly exclusively from those of which my awareness comprehend.

The deeper I delve, the more complex and simple things become.

I achieve understanding through awareness. I achieve awareness through diligence. I achieve diligence through understanding. The whole process is painstakingly slow and wrought with inefficiency.

I love to read. Reading can take me anywhere that I want to go. I can go to the moon or to a zoo or to another country. I can be a pirate or a prince or a porcupine. Books are a special way to play with your imagination. And the secret way to this wonderful world of books is learning how to read. You can learn the secrets of reading. I would love to share them with you.
Do any of you enjoy watching movies? After you learn to read well, reading is better than any movie. You get to make the pictures up for yourself in your imagination. These pictures are way better than the best illustrator can do.

Let's write a class mission statement about why we want to read.

In the classroom, we will write class statements concerning different situations that arise during the year. For example, we can have mottoes about academic goals, student and teacher expectations, and emotional support.

I hope that my class structure varies each year. The students should be co-creators of the expectations and the mechanics of our class. This allows for greater individuality, efficiency of learning, and development of students. This reflects a truly child-centered philosophy. I believe that such an environment would enhance academic growth and self-development. It would harbor internal motivation, self-accountability, and interdependence. A community of learners is the goal of cooperative learning.