ear ache at 3 am

i am in extreme pain

i cannot fit a qtip into my ear

it has swollen
shut

sound is muffled

pain extreme

the left side of my face
has begun
to become tender
in sympathy


my stomach is sore
queasy

i cannot sleep
i resent being awake


there is nothing i can do

but

wait

to have a doctor tell me
that my ear is infected
and
that i need medication

here i am

i was unnecessarily hostile

yelling
can be it own form of violence

and my words were filled with the anger of a wounded person

you don't know
or don't realize
how
or if?
i've been wounded.

i have been.

i thought that you were my primary relationship.
i thought that you were my closest of close.
i thought that you loved me.

and i know my love for you.

despite your assertion that we are not 'intimate'
i do love you.

yet,
i need to be apart from you.

i do not wish to coerce you into loving me.
i do not want to possess you.

you are angry at me.
this makes me feel like a simpleton.
ignorant and stupid.

you act as though i have in some way conned you...
or caused you to act against your wishes...

please know that i've acted with honesty and good faith.

please know that i want only good things for you.

please know that i care for your deeply.


have i advertised a bond with you?
advertise seems like such a vulgar word.
i have been open and honest about loving you...
and struggling to understand your pain.

i did believe that you and i formed a sort of partnership.
i thought that you had chosen me as your primary relationship...

i feel stripped
naked
exposed

the jenny has no relationship.


i don't know how to proceed.
when you realize that you've been acting on a false perception of the world,
how do you determine what is real?

today,
you shifted my reality.

it hurt.

i do not recognize the woman whom you are attacking.
i rummage through my mind and feel a disconnect bewtween your words & my actions.


i am numb
and cannot sort my thoughts.

the letter

dear,

i am confused by the negative energy that is spilling off of you today.
why do i feel responsible?
why am i letting it wash over me in syncopated waves... short, sharp waves?

(tangent: i will always choose the word that makes sense to my mind.
in this case, i realize my choice may be a little convoluted... unnecesarily complicated?
i am never trying to speak in any way but my natural voice: to try to do otherwise
feels insincere.)

i am sorry for sharing that self-indulgent little poem.
after you left, i felt like a dolt.
why am i speaking of love... in the face, of his confusion? uncertainty? pain?



which brings me to why i am sitting tapping my thoughts into words:

i want you to know where i am: re: envisioning a polyamorous future

first of all, i am relieved.
i feel that i need the security of a "base relationship": a partnership,
a person who is "home", a confidante, a source of unconditional love.

at this point, i hope that you are my partner but honestly,
i do not know this.

i am nervous.
will you allow me to be truly me?
will you try to dismantle me bit by bit?
will i once again fall into a relaitonship in which i am always... somehow wrong?
will i say the wrong things?
or maybe, just say the right things wrong?
will you dismiss my emotionality?
will you throw my sexuality in my face?
judge my desire?

i am prone to losing track of time,
of ideas,
i lose things too.
i have lost periods of my life.
no memory.
it's embarassing... i reach for a memory and find an empty box.
i don't remember the guy in the photo.

i am nervous.
will you embark on a journey and leave me behind?
will you lose interest in me?
i am threatened by other women.

i want to understand this fear: where is its origin?
why am i reacting this way?

i love many people in my life.
it occurred to me today that i tell at least two people every day that i love them.
i want this for you.
i want love to fill your life. i want you to be surounded by people who love you.
you deserve love.

you are truly amazing.





this is where i reach a divide in my thoughts: sex and love

i love all of these people... but i am only having sex with you.



why do i feel that having sex with another person would be harmful to you?



have i created a false dichotomy? what assumptions am i making?


i am brimming with questions right now.
i am trying to foresee the future. i am trying to anticipate....

what am i anticipating? why am i trying to live ahead of myself?


i am finding myself thrown between two opposing emotions:
fear and elation.


part of me,
is really, really excited.

we both love having sex with women!
we can have sex with women together!

"if you said,
'jump into the river'
i would
because it would probably be a good idea"

trusting you
feels very natural...
almost too much so.

i am uncomfortably aware of how much i trust you
when you get angry at me....

i feel defenseless.


these words feel as though they are falling short.
i am not trying to blame you for my reactions.... but i want you to know that they exist.
in the end, i am responsible for my own happiness.
i control my own inner balance...
when i react to you, i need to assume a degree of responsibilty.
you can only influence me as much as i am willing to be influenced.


i want to be completely honest with you...
and in doing so, be honest with myself.
(as you were saying earlier)


thank you
for taking this journey with me.
for exploring your inner truth
for being vulnerable
for letting me be vulnerable
for sharing
and for allowing me to share.

thank you for your trust.



i think that we need some time apart.
not because i don't want to see you,
because i DO want to see you.



we have a long and marvelous conversation ahead of us.
it's one that will require hours rather than minutes, weeks instead of days.


i want both of us to have the time and space to sort our thoughts.






come over when the time feels right.

the miracle

the miracle

an egg and a sperm
so small
sex on the microscopic level

the converging

of him
into me

and

me
into him



a tiny beginning
cells splitting
multiplying


the beginning of life

every cell a blueprint
for
every other cell


a life beginning

inside
of me

my body will become the universe
for a burgeoning life

my womb
an ocean

my body
the sun, the moon, and the stars

i will become
a source of light
and hope
and love

my voice will be the wind

i dream of him pressing his lips
to my belly
whispering secrets to our child

he will be in me
and i in him


he will give me
the gift
of motherhood

i will give him
the gift
of fatherhood

neither one of us
will deserve
our child

a gift from God

blue

standing by
the "kingston"
or what once was,
in an earlier reincarnation
of a reincarnation...
of a place with a memory

i looked up
at the night sky


the brightest of dark blues highlighted with blue clouds



i thought about him




in that moment of absolute beauty
of absolute blue


i walked briskly towards the park
in hopes of taking in big gulps of the colour
in hopes of being transformed in the moment
by the moment

in hopes of finding God
in my experience of a singular event of colour

as i approached the customs office,
i was struck by how the sky had changed
a deep indigo had seeped across the horizon
the clouds shone with the palest white


at that moment,


i missed him



profoundly

feeling under attack

i,

apparently,


have issues...



okay, i wonder: which, particular, issue
do you refer?






he threw his words,
........................................................at me

leaving me to wonder,
why
he threw them
............................................................with such force?





why is he angry at me?
why is he radiating a quiet seething rage
...........................................................................at me?




(why do i feel as though i've lost my centre of gravity?)





there exist boundaries

......................................................boundaries to our thoughts

......................................................boundaries to our beliefs

boundaries to the way in which we feel comfortable exisiting within the world





his rage



violates


my boundaries




my skin is raised with goosebumps
as his words
...................................................................fly by




he is defending a castle of belief

he is defending his pain

he is defending his anger



right now,

i
am
sad

but i cannot approach the castle
be-cause

in the dark of emotional night

................................................................he cannot see
me







am i really under attack?

or am i witnessing the fall of his castle of pain?

the blank slate of my mind

i've been thinking alot about the issue of




transparency.





how do you be completely
honest
_______with yourself?
_______with others?

honesty is easy
(when pertaining to facts
to events
to actions)

but honesty is
messy
when trying to measure emotion
or
create a picture of one's
mental landscape

my mind
does not move
in straight
lines

it zigs and
zags
putters along
and
then, suddenly_____________ zips


halts



and
sometimes
idles
(slowly processing thoughts at a very, very low rpm)

(often, it gets lost
and
weaves
a strange route
home)


how do i
honestly
tell you what i am thinking?

how do i convey those thoughts which have no expression?

how do i take a snapshot with words
when my mind is weaving a tapestry of thought?


my thoughts are not intensely complex
in fact,
it is their utter



simplicity




which is so hard to convey


mental images
not of the world of objects
but rather snapshots of concepts