monk

dreams have a way of lingering sometimes....
of leaving a soft impression...
i dreamt of talking to "monk." in the dream, we were "meant to be" together. i had saved myself for him, and he had left the priesthood for me. (how very thornbirds, eh?) well, i've had a faint sense of longing for him for the last day or so since the dream.

dreams like this make me wonder... what is love?

i will always love "monk." i wonder whether my feelings for him "have legs" though. we only dated briefly before he flew off to vatican city to study to become a priest. do i miss him so intensely because he's living in the freakin center of iowa? it's hard to find a reason to drive to the center of iowa! yet, i know that if he lived closer, he'd still be too far away. for a year or two, he lived a mere 90 miles from me. i did not visit. i did not go see him give a sermon. i didn't "cross the line." in many ways, i didn't trust myself. he was too close which is a shame because i'd love to hear one of his sermon's. he's a priest now. a roman catholic priest.

there are boundaries.... no discussions of sex. no more seducing him. (never had sex with him....sigh.... i wish that we had. a pang of regret.)
i find myself wondering whether sex would have changed anything.
would i miss him more? would i love him less?
what is love? did we have a love that would still be fresh today?

love is a malleable thing. relationships require more than just the intoxicating feelings of lust. i wonder whether we had the right combination of lust and love.

a month or so ago, i dreamt of being held tightly in monk's arms... dancing. it felt good. not sexual. just really, really good.

a-ha moment. as much as i would love to hear one of monk's seromons, there's a part of me that doesn't want to see him as a priest. a hindi friend of mine recently asked me why he became a priest. i said, "God tapped him on the shoulder." who am i to step in the way of God? or tamper with monk's happiness?

in my prayers, i ask God to help him be the kind of priest that monk is seeking to be, to give him strength, and to ease my longing.... but not just yet.

as st augustine wrote:
"But, wretched youth that I was--supremely wretched even in the very outset of my youth--I had entreated chastity of you and had prayed, 'Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet.' For I was afraid lest you should hear me too soon, and too soon cure me of my disease of lust which I desired to have satisfied rather than extinguished."

i wonder what monk, himself would make of all of this. part of me wishes to e-mail this entry to him but what would that do? let him know that i'm refusing to let go of my sexual feelings for him? expose my lust? what would he do with that? he has no compunction to react to my feelings for him.

sometimes what seems like exposition is really a megalomaniac need to be affirmed.

sigh... i am growing up and learning to respect boundaries...

certain songs, typically anything harry connick jr would sing, evoke my more sentimental feelings for monk. here is one that has been playing in a corner of my mind...

"WHEN I FALL IN LOVE (Nat King Cole)
When I fall in love it will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
When I give my heart
it will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you.
[Instrumental interlude first two lines]
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you."

here's another that tugs at my heart strings...

"They Can’t Take That Away From Me
Written by: George Gershwin / Ira Gershwin
The way you wear your hat,
the way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No no, they can't take that away from me
The way your smile just beams,
the way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No no, they can't take that away from me
We may never never meet again
On the bumpy road to love
Though I'll always always keep the memory of
The way you hold your knife, the way we dance 'til three
The way you changed my life
No they can't take that away from me
No, they can't take that away from me
We may never never never meet again
On the bumpy road to love
Though I'll always always keep the memory of
The way you hold your knife, the way we dance 'til three
The way you changed my life
No they can't take that away from me
No, they can't take that away
No they can't take that away
No they can't take that away from me"