things to know about me

at work, i keep a cheap "mead ruled writing tablet" in which i scrawl in tiny, messy cursive my random thoughts, journal entry outlines, titles of books & films which sound interesting, things i should remember, my dreams, project ideas, and practice my cursive writing.
(i've always written in tiny well formed caps but as computer semsibilities began to pervade our thinking, i'm trying to pull away from the all caps format...)
odd, i type in lower case and write in upper case, meh

i was writing away in my little notebook the other day and began making a list called:

10 things you should know about me before having a relationship with me:

my list....

1.) i am a dork.
i thrive on not being cool or hip.
i am clumsy, too!

2.) i am a bit of a geek.
i enjoy such things as philosophy, reading, scrabble, and am a word junkie.

3.) i am stubborn.
at times, i believe that i am right.... when, indeed, i am not.
this is not the time to make me budge; i won't believe you.
please get the evidence and i'll eat my crow.
also, there will be times when we just need to agree to disagree.

4.) when i get nervous, i laugh and make bad jokes. meh.

5.) my sex drive is considerable.

6.) i can be very literal.

7.) i cry during movies.

8.) my idea of heaven is the southwest. i thrive on hot, dry weather.

9.) i love easily and trust slowly.

10.) smoking is revolting.
i refuse to live with someone who is willing to kill themselves one inhalation at a time.
it's a deal breaker.


then, i thought, i wonder what the people who know and love me would say a person should know about me before dating me (having a relationship with me):

here's the list that my dear friend, amelie wrote (verbatim):

Top Ten Things to Know:

1. Allergic to lanolin and wool – don’t take her to a sheep farm.

2. Chocolate and nuts = MIGRAINE (not romantic)

3. She likes animals, a lot.
(Sometimes the kitty litter gets everywhere. The dog may chew your shoe. If you’re a control freak, or clean freak, she might not be the one for you.)

4. She is very close with her family (mother and her brother mostly.)

5. She is female, meaning, her moods may change at any moment. So you have to be open minded, even tempered and patient.

6. She is religious. She is also open minded towards others views.

7. She is very faithful to those she cares for. Once she loves you, you’re in her heart forever.

8. Moving to a warm place, such as New Mexico or Arizona, seems like a nice idea some day.

9. She doesn’t like constant smokers, or for people to smoke inside her house.
(Clean teeth a must.)

10. She is still searching for the career she is meant to do.
It would be best to be with someone who is encouraging, and nurturing, (maybe an older man).


when i requested a list from monk,
his reply read: "Nope. Not gonna do it. I've read enough military history to know to avoid a minefield when I see one."

i wrote this list and sent it to him:
the list that monk would write if he had the guts

1.) too liberal... pacifistic to an extreme (remember what happened to switzerland) >
anti-death penalty
pro-anything goes, i suppose

2.) is she roman or is she anglican???
she needs to return to the true faith but keeps letting herself be enticed by those heathen brits.

3.) although she proclaims herself a romantic, she has commitment issues
(her inclination towards unavailable men, unhealthy)

4.) a bit clingy at times

5.) a chatterbox

6.) artistic by nature (ahem, a bit scattered)

7.) she lets the livestock inside... the house!!! ]

8.) stubborn- don't confuse her with the facts.

9.) able to take a joke, if the mood suits her

10.) prone to depression (but also to elation)

his response, "you nailed it."

thanks for the blogs

isn't it strange (and sometimes a wee bit disconcerting) when a stranger approaches you
in a hospital, at a bus stop, or in line at a store, and divulges intimate details of their lives?

yet, we all have stories to tell.

despite all of our differences, there's an incredible commonality to our lives and a sense that we all lead singular (unique) lives.

just when i think that my story has been told.
i realize that it hasn't.
just when i think that every story has been told.
i read a book or watch a film and realize the complexity of the human story.

in sharing our lives, in small blogs, we are contributing to a rich tapestry.
some of you are great writers.
some of us fumble.
each voice provides a new pitch, a new layer to the way we see the world.

i am grateful for the opportunity to read and share in so many lives.
thank you for taking a glance at my life.

a decision to be happy

***pop***

isn't amazing how quickly a mood can be changed?

a smile can create joy.
a stern word may cause tears to flow.
a wink can burn one's cheeks.

it's a clear cold winter night.
coming home, i, actually, felt myself embrace the cold. walking up the steps, i enjoyed the sting of the air on my cheeks and the sharpness of my breath.
in.
out.
in... more slowly
out....
i measured my breaths.
(i am practicing yoga again and am embracing the mindfulness which comes along with it.)

at the top of the steps, i looked out over the town. a clear vantage point on top of a hill.
the lights strewn out below me seemed to sparkle like christmas lights on a tree.
standing still for a few moments made my heart feel full.
home.
i began really looking at the landscape. i am amazed at how poorly i know my home town... and also how well. i need to explore more. to create a map of familiarity.

when i walked into the blackness of the door, a large black dog leapt from nowhere unto my chest nearly causing me to fall backwards out the door. lahli! my brother's dog.
instead of irritation, i laughed.
it was unexpected but my good mood buoyed me forward. a tide of goodwill.

i was thinking about running up to the grocery store for a few ingredients for dinner but realized that if i did, i'd miss seeing my brother who would be along shortly to pick up his dogs.

(it turned out to be a short disagreeable encounter.)

first, he flatly refused my invitation for dinner. he has had too much pasta as of late...
which is fine, really, because had he accepted, i would have had to amend the meal to suit his taste.

then, he began discussing in excruciating detail the ins and outs of his student loan payments.
(cringe)
i hate

loathe

despise

discussing money matters.

it's a topic that makes me squirm with discomfiture.

after he left, i felt rattled.
perturbed.
annoyed.
slightly agitated.

i took a deep breath
and continued to make dinner. chopping carrots. dicing red pepper. simmering pasta. now, the dish is in the oven baking.

sigh

"nothing's going to change my world," as lennon once sang.
lovely mantra.
it speaks of the individual's responsibility to create and seek one's own happiness.

(pause)


last night, i watched a most amazing film, "zelary."
it contained so much... truth.
it showed the brutality of war and the power of human's to love in the face of sheer absurdity.
a woman who learns how to become more fully herself.
a man who loves both deeply and simply.
violence springs out of misunderstanding.
war does not make sense.
only love does.

a song

Merril Bainbridge

Mouth

Written by - Merril Bainbridge

From - The Garden

I feel like I've been blown apart
There are pieces here
I don't know where they go
I don't know where they go
Kiss me on my salty lips
I bet you feel little crazy but for me
We'll be famous on TV
Would it be my fault if I could turn you on?

Chorus:
Would I be so bad if I could turn you on?
When I kiss your mouth
I want to taste it
Turn you upside down
Don't want to waste it
I jump on you, you jump on me
You push me out and even though you know
I love you I'd be inclined to slap you in the mouth
When I kiss your salty lips
You will feel a little crazy, but for me
I'll be famous on TV

Chorus

Now, will it be my fault if I take your love and throw it wide?
You might restrain me, but could you really blame me?
And you will feel you're blown apart
All the pieces there will fit to make you whole
And I know where they go

Chorus

When I kiss your mouth
I want to taste it
Turn you upside down
Don't want to waste it
When I kiss your mouth
I want to taste it
Turn you upside down
Don't want to waste it

waiting

our priest, fr. barnabus, preached today about apocraphyl teachings, about those who seek to know the "end of time," about seizing the day, about not being able to see our part in the pattern of life and not being "clock watchers."

i am a clock watcher.
until... i lose myself.
i can spend hours writing, reading, kissing (not that i have anyone to kiss,) painting...
lately, though, i feel as though i've been waiting for...
the work day to draw to a close
my dog sitting to draw to an end
the sermon to conclude
a cute guy to call...

there's the rub.


my cat, beckett, is watching rover & toby nap. he's laying on the shelves and they are on the futon.

where will i move next?
waiting til i am debt free
waiting for the next paycheck
waiting to see what my winter schedule will be

disquietude

i am sitting at the kitchen table typing away on keys that feel slightly sticky, a subtle mushiness. a laptop.

the dogs are playing around me.
i am tired of being around my brother's two ultra-hyper dogs.
tired of rover's barking.
tired of being trampled and gnawed on.
tired of the smell of dog poo (as if i ever had a fondness.)

i am feeling an odd familiar sense of...
disquietude.
i sit and sigh and wonder why...
there is a quiet longing inside of me.
to know the subtle intimacies of another & to be known.
to feel the warmth of human touch.
to kiss.

kissing is a singular delight.

patience has never been my virtue.
virtue has never been my virtue.

waiting makes me feel slightly agitated.
anxious.
i hate having to count minutes. weigh the seconds. feel the enormity of time.
then, a day has passed heavily over me in the blink of an eye.
waiting for godot.
waiting for enternity.

how do we live alone with others?

i watched the film, "The Mother"

"Ann Reid plays May, a suburban grandmother whose husband dies unexpectedly while visiting their children in London. When May goes there to tend to the tragic matter, she begins to lose her grip on her identity, stripped of her wifely duties and lost in the bustle of a world so foreign to her. But then she meets Darren, a young man who's bedding her daughter, and her life takes a turn for the complicated and the unexpected."

i love films in which there is no clear hero or villain or saint or sinner. we are muddled individuals. our lives are never as clear cut as we would have our memoirs believe. we all live in inky shades of grey. this film was painted in shades of grey with glimmers of red and blue and black. even the hues of a bruise at times. it showed the quiet desperation. quiet longing. a need to be needed.

the mother was so absorbed in the inertia of her own life that she lacked a certain empathy. she was so absorbed in being devoted and doting that she lost herself. she withered, died, and continued to live a life without flavour.

joy

life passes by so quickly. i am a jumbled human being. i journal here, there, and everywhere: on scraps of paper, in a half dozen books, in letters to friends, and rarely (these days) here. my journal is scattered like fall leaves.

someday... i fantasize about being organized less scattered.

today, i called a friend to wish her a happy thanksgiving on her answering machine... a friend who once wrote me to say that we should no longer be friends. she had outgrown me. i had failed her. i was no longer the person she wished to know. our friendship was a thing of the past.

i was hurt.
i wanted to argue... to throw back insults, to defend myself, to explain myself, to say... hey.... but...
i've written her dozens of letters while walking my dog.
none of them reached print.
they spoke of my grief, my loss.... they reeked of ME.
i could never find just the right words.
i knew that every attempt would seem like an argument.
i didn't want to argue.
she had made some valid points and on the points that i disagreed, arguing my point would be senseless and even meaningless. life is subjective. when someone feels a certain way, you can either accept their feelings or not; but you cannot change them. you cannot talk someone into feeling the way you want them to feel.

today, we spoke. we shared. we listened. we laughed. we chatted.
today, we were friends again.
we spoke of our lives. our family. our selves.
i told her that i missed her. and she told me that she missed me too.

friends are better than chocolate, better than sex, better than....
anything.
life is not worth living wihtout friends.

today, i am grateful beyond words for the friends in my life.

if anyone reads this, i hope that you have at least one good friend in this world.

i just wrote my friend a thank you note.
i hope to be a better friend to her in the future.

my heart is singing with a pure JOY!!!!!