the rapid movement of life

life speeds by so quickly...
as i get older, the hands on the clock seem to speed up.
minutes fly by like seconds...
days are like hours.

last week was swallowed up by me being sick.
high fevers.
coughing.
respiratory flu.
misery.
(and my period. ugh.)

i am wading through the paper waters of my life.
and rummaging through the thousands of tiny bits and pieces.
figuring out how to spend my...
health
wealth
and time.

how to organize my thoughts, my numbers, these tiny slips of paper...
to prioritize
to discard
to put into little boxes.

(sigh)
the dream of an uncluttered life.

art show

the opening for my art show was phenomenal.
everyone i wanted to see came...
and a few whom i never expected but was delighted to see.

i was surrounded by great conversation and positive affirmations about my art.

i felt really, really good.

five pieces sold.

two more months of show to go...

(hoping to sell the whole show)

a film a day

i am sad.

not wildly depressed.
not crying my eyes out.

just sad.

i've been sad for a while now.
melancholy...

"how are you?"
i smile and give a positive greeting.

the truth is convuluted.

when i am depressed,
i watch movies
and movies
and movies.

film is my drug... escapism.
a chance to cry for others.
a chance to laugh.
a chance to fall in love.

where did you go?

i am consumed with worry… a chat ended abruptly.

a stranger.
a newly formed dialogue.

insecurity has risen in my throat like bile.

there is a man out there that i long for…
i want to know his loves…
his fears.
his neurosis.
his mind.
his soul… if such things can be known

yet, as the song goes,
i want you to want me.
need you to need to me.

will you take the time to look behind my words?
will you move beyond my narcissism and show me yours?
i want to exchange confessions.

will you be able to understand this sadness which makes me feel alone in a crowded room?
will you massage away this quiet anxiety?

will you understand my wide open loving nature?
will you see beauty in the world?

will you choose hope?

trust.
is complete exposition the same as trust?




will you know me in a glance?

when dreams implode

can you be faithful to an idea?

what if the idea is simply an ideal?
an illusion?
too good to be true?
a fabrication of hope?

what if the knight in shining armour
is wearing tinfoil?
or rides a donkey?


a masochist and a sadist get in an elevator.
the elevator comes to a screaching halt.
the sadist looks at the masochist, "i may have to hurt you."
the masochist, "oh really..........."
a look of complete anticipation.
"hmmmmmmm," says the sadist.

the true sadist deprives the masochist of pain.


i am neither sadist
nor masochist.

yet, here i am dangling from a little thread
called...
maybe
perhaps




waiting.


unlike the masochist,
i am waiting for

joy.

love.

peace.


i am learning not to settle,
not to lament over the silent phone.

maybe he's just not that into you...