owning my life

here i am



watching the arc of my life
realizing that i am on another cusp
on the brinking of becoming
responsible for the life that i am going to lead...

it's easy to forget how much control i have over
my own life

my dreams

my hopes

my ambitions




it's so easy to become sidetracked
to lose focus
to feel as though you are someone things happen to...
rather than someone who makes things happen.

how do i love him

he's touching me again...

i am loving him... still
and always

i know that regardless of time and place
i will love this man

i know that about a very small handful of people
but i know it

i will always love my boo
i will always love maggie the cat
i will always love ishmael

these are my great loves
two women
two men

i want to reveal everything i know to him
i want to open up my mind and share its contents
i want to tell him that it's going to be "o.k."


i am happy.


laying naked on the beach the other day,
it hit me

i am very blessed.

my favourite prayer issued from my lips a thousand time that day,
"thank you."

i am brimming with life
and
hope

and

ALLegrIA!!!!

perhaps he will even love me

these words are about him.
these thoughts are drenched in his sweat.

he told me on sunday morning,
that i was...
not wanted,
not desired,
not loved


by him.



i went to church
and prayed
and went home
and slept.

i slept the day away.




today, i woke up

and realized,
how very


alive i am.



i imagine him laying in his bed,
drenched in sweat.
i imagine him
sleeping.
(tired.)
(exhausted.)
living in his stinky house,
(which smells of male sweat, dirty socks, and cat feces)

in contrast,
my house is clean.

i pray that he wakes up
and cleans...
his soul,
his body,
his desires,
his home.


i still want to want him.
i still desire to desire him.
i will love him regardless of whether our lips ever touch again.


i hope that someday
i wake up
and
find him
beside me in my bed.

but for now,
i am content with my cat on the pillow,
my dog at my feet,
and a hot cup of coffee
as i listen
wistfully
to a song about life being better when we're together...

maybe someday,
he'll think so too.
perhaps he will even love me.

what i want in life

what do i want more than anything in this world?




i want to be a mother.




i am rediscovering what i really want in life.
i do not want a husband...
i want a father for my child,
a friend,
a conversationalist,
a companion,
an honest relationship



marriage has been corrupted,
turned into a financial contract,
a formal agreement
a legal activity masquerading as spiritual commitment


i want to love someone forever
i just don't want to go to court
and
feel legally bound



i feel this longing pressing in on me

in time,
i know that
i will be a mother...
when the time is right.


all i can do is be quiet and wait.

i love you

fumbling with my words makes me

(self
conscious)



i have a knack
for saying
the wrong thing
or
saying
the right thing
wrong.

(or so i've been told)


i stumble over my words
and hesitate over my meanings.


i care deeply about him.


he makes sense to me.
his ideas reflect my ideas.
his passions mirror my passions.



he makes the perfect cup of coffee.


i am attracted to the expansiveness of his mind
the exuberance of his spirit


i ache to love him...

and yet,

i hesitate.


unsure.

afraid.


will he throw my love aside?

will he feel...

nothing?
(apathy is pernicious.)




i worry
....... about other women.

i worry
....... about falling deeply in love with him.

i worry
....... about him falling in love with me.



instead, of focussing on these worries,
i focus my energy of improving his energy,
kneading away his tension,
releasing his fear...

being positive
is not
happenstance.

hope is a choice.
love requires the ability
to
leap

and

believe.




someday,


i will love him...

if he lets me.


and


then,

it will be
ok
when i say the wrong thing

because

i will be 'home'
and he
will be
my soft landing.