Saturday, October 30, 2004

things to feel sick about

it's the day of the "show." i am feeling ill at ease.
my art reception is being held this afternoon.
i am afraid that no one will show up.
or rather, fewer than 10 people will show up.

i love some of the paintings in the show and
feel rather tepid about others.

i am feeling sad.

am i any good as an artist?
does my art have any credibility?

if no one turns up, it's my fault.
i'm not happy with this show overall. not enough cohesiveness.
too few paintings. no prices. no titles. just the paintings.

i'm being uncooperative.
a disagreeable artist.

i am feeling anti-social.
this may be a carry-over from work.
i am feeling overwhelmed.
so many boxes and boxes and boxes of clothing.
fewer hours being given to use.
so much work.
"is your store closing???"
more and more damaged pieces of merchandise.
people have lost their respect for our label.
liquidation. ugh.

fred is a pessimist. he keeps telling me that kerry is
going to lose. i truly hope not. i'm still recovering from
the 2000 election. i am still bitter.
so many people were disenfranchised!!!!
how can you believe in democracy when you find out about
all the dirty tricks which were played upon the american
public last time around??? people being labeled as felons???
(ie voting black)

this time around already doesn't look much better.
how do you lose 56,000 ballots???

i am feeling soul sick.

maybe this is why my cold won't leave me.

too much "bad mojo."

Thursday, October 28, 2004

*questions answered: 5 cents

ok, first of all, i need to be sent to the blackboard: i will save my writing as i go. oopsy. i clicked on "create!" poof. half of my writing gone. so, i begin this again....

1. What's your middle name?
lynn, of course. as in jenny lynn.

2. What was your nick name at school? Benny

3. What's your age? Immature 31 going on 13.

4. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? peppermint stick (but I am very fussy about what kind, I only like Chocolate Shoppe) My second fave is: dulce de leche

5. Do you like sugar cones or the plain ones for your icecream?
If I must, a waffle cone but really, I usually just get a scoop of ice cream.

6. Name your first crush. Bret Allen Ronek

note: (Dana) "edited out some questions... but I'm too lazy to change the numbers. Pretend you don't notice." I'm quoting Dana. I, too, am too lazy. Take note. Lazy= jenny lynn)

8. In what month is your birthday? January. I like the fact that my birthday falls near the beginning of the year.

9. Which actor/actress do you most admire?
Admire. It's hard to say. I really don't know any actors. I suppose that the actors I most admire for how they conduct themselves as people are: Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Paul Newman, Rob Reiner.... ok, you get my jist. I love the liberals. When you have a voice, use it. Intelligently. I respect famous people who use their celebrity to seek social justice. For this reason, the actor I admire MOST would be the late Caroll O Connor.

10. How old were you when you got first kissed? The first kiss, I would happily like to forget. It was quick and tasted like an ash tray. Also, unwanted. When I kissed a boy, by my choice, I was 14. Oscar. Ahhhhhhh. The lovely joy of kisses that go nowhere and feel heavenly.

11. Have you ever flown in a airplane? Many times.... but the best flight remains one I took in a little two seater when I was five. It was a friend of my dad's who was a stunt pilot. By profession? No. He just liked to roll and dip and dive. He actually flew my dad down into a mine shaft once. He had promised my dad that he wouldn't do any tricks but I begged and pleaded. He gave me one roll of the plane. What a thrill for a five year old girl!

12. What is your favorite song?
It depends on my mood. A few include: In your eyes by Peter Gabriel (esp. when John Cusack is holding up a boom box), Rapture by Peter Mulvey, When I was a boy by Dar Williams, anything by Lyle Lovett, and many, many more.

13. Have you ever been ABSOLUTELY drunk? Yep. Very much so. The first time I ever drank to get drunk, I was 17. I drank a bottle of white zin. Felt silly. But I wanted to be DRUNK. So, I downed a bottle of Cisco... a very, very big bottle. Oh yeah. I remember being so drunk that I literally fell down (ie passed out where I stood) in the middle of the party and had a bucket brought to me... which I filled many, many times.... Then, the next day, I had to drive 100 miles home on a hot day with out air conditioning. Ewwww. The horror. I was sick in bed for two days.

14. What is the color of your car/truck/bicycle or main mode of transportation? My car is red. My bike is blue.

15. What do you during the day? I play with clothing.

16. What's your favorite word? discombobulated

1. How many brothers and/or sisters do you have? one brother

8. What's the last song you heard? Hey Micky as performed by a genius known as Doug

19. What did you have for lunch? Usually soup. Sometimes a sandwich. Periodically, pasta.

20. Are you married? Nope.

21. What's in your pocket? I don't have any pockets. I am wearing my dress pants.

22. What's around your wrist? A big silver watch with a pearl face

23. What is your favorite meal? Meal meaning dish: My dad makes an amazing Nigerian dish which is a slightly spicey peanut chicken stew served over rice with anything and everything as condiments (my faves include: raisins, mandarin oranges, cheddar, tomatoes, coconut, and peanuts) It sounds weird but it's amazing.
Meal: Breakfast. I can eat breakfast at any time of day or night.

24. What is your favorite exotic sports car? Exotic??? Nope that's not me. I am more of a Saab or Volvo type. Sports cars just aren't my cup of tea.

25. What first, button or zipper? (If you ever wear pants) Suck in and zipper.

26. What color are your eyes? Hazel brown.

27. What year in the 80's is your fave? 1987. Freshman year. Leaving my home town for the big city, Dubuque, IA baby! Making out with Oscar on the couch in the basement of his parents house while watching thirtysomething.

28. What's your favorite beverage? Milk. As a kid, I would even order milk at pizza parties. I don't like drinking soda with my meals.

29. Do you have any children? Two cats (Samuel Beckett and Isabella Rosalini), a man (Ezekial), and hopefully, a dog named George in the near future.

30. Automatic or stick-shift? Automatic.

31. What is your favorite food? Cheese, Grommit. Cheese!!!

32. Where was your last vacation? Vegas baby!

33. Which musical instrument do you play? The recorder. I am a one tune wonder. Scarborough Fair and no, I don't play it well

34. Where were you born? Melrose Park, a western suburb of Chicago, IL but still in the bounds of Cook County

35. What's your fave thing to bake? bread (esp. banana bread)

36. Who do you love? My fantasy boyfriend (John Cusack) my real boyfriend (Fred: who accepts my love for J.) my mom, my dad, my brother, my Grandma B, my Grandma G, my cats, PK, Amy, Shanti, Vance, Oscar and the list goes on

37. What is your biggest fear? Death by torture. Death by natural disaster. Death by stray bullet. Death by hanging. Death by firing squad. Death in a plane crash. Death by drowning...any violent death.

38. What is your favorite thing to wear? anything soft, roomy and cotton

39. What is your favorite snack? Heavily salted popcorn and a glass of milk. Weird, eh?

40. What is your favorite pasttime? Painting.

41. What actor/actress would you like to do a movie love scene with? I started to answer and then, I realized that I don't want to make out with anyone in a room full of movie techs. Too many prying eyes. Too little intimacy. Yuck.

42. What is the last junk food you ate? a chocolate bar

43. What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? "Hit the snooze bar." ditto

44. What color is your toothbrush? It's a white Crest electric dealy.

45. What was the last movie you've seen in the theaters? I've pretty muched stopped going to the theatre. I rely on Netflix. My queue is always full. I see an interesting movie title and add it to my list. It's better than cable! and cheaper! Plus, have I mentioned that I am.... um... lazy? There are no late fees. Brilliant.

46. Do you believe in a "Higher Power"? Yes

47. Any tattoos? Three

48. What kind of home do you live in? A ranch with a very large finished basement in which I am happily typing to you.

49. Whats your favourite part of your country? the desert southwest especially Arizona

50. What is your favorite breakfast food? Pancakes.

51. What is your nickname? Fer, Benny, Roly (of Roly Poly,) Boopus (my brother is Goopus), Jen, Jen Jen....

53. Do you still get acne? Yes, I am very fair complected so this annoys me to no end!

54. Have you ever worn a wig? I went to an Absolut vodka Halloween party (open bar) dressed as Anna Nicole Smith. My costume included a big blonde wig, a little black dress, spikey heels, balloon boob augmentation, balloon butt augmentation, and a drink in my hand at all times.

55. What is your one guilty pleasure that you are embarrassed to tell people you like? Sadly nothing springs to mind. Obviously, I have no shame!

56. What is the last CD you bought? Mike and Amy Finders "Crystal Blue Morning" These two have amazing voices!!! If you arer lucky enough to live in Iowa, go see them. Heck, drive to Iowa. Amy's voice soars. Or buy a cd or two or three.

57. Do you think back about your old girlfriends/ boyfriends and am happy when you hear their life is pretty well alot worse than yours?
I would never wish harm on anyone much less people whom I've cared about. Of the ex's I keep in touch with, here's how they are doing:
Oscar: tech genius, travels the world, tgakes great photos, and collects photos of stencil "graffiti" art (I am hoping that he publishes his collection someday.)
Ozzy: plays classical guitar and lives in the same city as me but I haven't seen him in 13 years. I only know that he lives here because I met his wife. A surreal encounter to say the least.
Linus: plays piano wherever he can make a buck or two (churches, bar mitzvahs, weddings, etc) is married and has a beautiful daughter
Ishmael: teaches second grade. Has remarried and they have a daughter together.
Monk: is a Roman Catholic priest (He was NOT ordained when he dated!)

58. What's your fetish? Priests

59. Do you hate your job? "Hate is a strong word. It's not what I'd want for it to be, but it'll do for now. " well stated Dana!

60. Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Nope.

61. What is your first reaction when you lose your keys? Lose them in my house? I guess my first reaction is "Huh, I'd better go look for those keys!!!" and then I do.

61. What's the most exotic place you have been? I really haven't been anywhere "exotic" unless you count dimly lit clubs with "exotic" dancers (this is an "exotic" link.... couch performances??? what the?)

62.What's the most boring place you've been? Nebraska

63. Who would be in your secret fantasy, famous or not? Al Franken!!! oopsy, I just let y'all know. I guess that I have to resort to secret fantasy number two....

64. Who is your best friend? PK

65. What is the worst thing you ever ate?? tuna casserole made with gooseberries (In my dad's defense, frozen peas and frozen gooseberries are nearly indistinguishable.)

66. How often do you change the towels when you shower? It depends on how "dirty" I get. (hehe)

67. What is your first memory? I used to have a very clear memory of being on an enclosed porch and hearing someone singing "you are my sunshine." My mom tells me that I described our house in Bensenville. The memory has faded. I was only two when my parents moved away from the Chicago area.

69. Have you ever had a broken bone? I was born with deformed feet. The bones formed in the wrong way. When I was around one or two, the doctors broke and reset both of my feet. I made many visits as a child to the office of Dr. Ignacio Ponseti, M.D.

70. What did you want to be as a child when you grew up? a writer like Mark Twain, a lawyer like Clarence Darrow, a dancer like Gypsy Rose Lee (been there done, done that) Now, I aspire to join the ranks of my idols: Marc Chagall, Franz Marc, Jasper Johns, and Frida Kahlo

71. Who do you admire the most? PK and my mom

72. What was the very first car you've driven? a grey 1987 Dodge Omni hatchback

73. Have you ever mooned anybody? many, many times... stripping counts, eh?

74. Do you collect anything and if yes, what? fortunes... the little slips in fortune cookies. I am supersticious. I never throw them away. I tuck them in a pocket or my purse. Sometimes, they get lost but I have them tucked away everywhere. Most of them end up taped into scrapbooks.

75. Who's your fave cartoon character? J Wellington Wimpy I once ate at a Wimpy's. I wonder whether there are any left in the states.

76. What's your fav tv show? Sadly, I no longer have tv access. I refuse to pay for cable and therefore am going through withdrawal missing: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, What Not to Wear, and Monster House (We watch West Wing on dvd. I think Zeke is more excited that West Wing is being released Nov 2nd than he is about the election. Poly is a sick boy.)

77. What is your shoe size? 8.5

78. What's on your screensaver? a cat cartoon

79. What was the last book that you read? "Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them" by sexpot Al Franken

80. What book are you reading now? "Travels" Michael Crichton

81. Do you like Britney Spears? don't give her much thought... who are we talking about?

82. Are you left or right handed? a converted leftie or a strange rightie? hard to say..

83. What time do you wake up in the morning? 7:30ish on workdays and around 9:30ish on play days.... on sick days.... ugh. When I need to piddle...

84. What was the biggest prank you've ever pulled off? Not the prank pulling type. Not my style.

85. What's one thing that you HAVE to do everyday or else it seems like the day's lost? listen to NPR, WPR, WGN, WBBM, BBC and Air America (I am a news radio junkie.)

86. What is one thing about you that noone else knows? If I told you, someone would know. Besides, I am a fairly open book.

88. Have you had someone toss a glass of water or any other liquid in your face? Nope.

89. What did you most hate about your school days? desperately wanting to be popular and having no clue

90. First date-- beer or tequila shots? tequila! (I hate beer. I tastes and smells like stomach bile. Yuck.) but I won't drink just any tequila. No Jose. No gold. I only like 100% agave. My fave for drinking to excess, silver. No hangover. This is a rare occurence. For often, I like a good margarita made with an anejo. (tequila aged in oak barrels)

91. If you had to live in a different country, which one would it be? Mexico, It's the only foreign country that I've been in and it's warm.

92. Who is your newest friend? Shanti

93. Sports car or luxury car? Luxury car (see above ^^^)

94. What did you eat for breakfast? oopsy, I skipped breakfast today.

95. Have you ever been in an automobile accident? yes, I lost control of my car going around a curve. I was sober and driving the speed limit. I have no idea how it happened.

96. When was the last time you were sick, as in flu/sore throat/really bad cold? I'm just getting over one helluva cold.

97. What magazines do you have a subscription to? None.

98. What do you like the least about keeping an online journal? "That it seems very one sided. This isn't talking shit about my readers, but I don't get a lot of mail so I have no idea whether or not people like what I'm doing." once again, Dana said it best...

*rollypoly

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

where are you?

I am the queen of procrastination. I just spent two hours surfing through blogs and following random links which caught my fancy. I am supposed to be doing paperwork, turning chaos into order... instead, I am following a trail of thoughts, peeking into other people's lives, wandering...

Sometimes, I feel like a child. Not a grown up.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Part of me feels like all avenues are still open to me, if only I would aply myself... which brings me to the one thing I know, truly know....
I am a painter.
I paint...
but I am not a serious artist.
I ought to be.
I have a reception on Saturday. I am not excited.
I am depressed. anxious.

My mood is funky.

Today I ate:
sourdough toast with cream cheese & jam for breakfast
golden pepper bean soup (which I made- almost no fat) for lunch
soda as a "snack"
drank some soy chai when I got home
made a mushroom, garlic, & cheese omelet for dinner
ate a chocolate bar for dessert

My meals have been rather "simplistic." Few ingredients. I even had boiled poatoes with salt and herbs for dinner one night. Last week, I was feeling lazy and ate out quite a bit. Eating out serves neither my budget nor my waistline. I need to be preparing all of my meals; however, simple they may be.

Golden pepper bean soup: one ripe tomato, one onion, two golden peppers, and garlic diced fine
simmer
add jar of northern beans in their own "juices"
makes enough for a few lunches

Right now, I am cooking rice in the slow cooker. I am using the slow cooker because I'm bad about forgetting things on the stove and scorching the bottoms of pans. (My trick: oven cleaner)

I am flighty.

(long pause)

While I was supposed to be working, I was over at D-land reading hilarious people like: Marn, Weetabix, discothekid, littlebub, and sundry
Then, I discovered someone whom I'm sure will become a new favourite: Dana

I've decided to answer the questions she posted in my next post.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

once upon a dream

Day one....

Last night, I dreamt that I was meeting John Cusack for breakfast. What a neat feeling! John as a friend, someone to talk to over a cup of coffee... It got me wondering... if I were to write to him, would he respond? He's developed into an accomplished actor but a somewhat reluctant "movie star." I've been composing my letter to him all day but all of my attempts sound hokey, or contrived, or.... just wrong. "hi (famous person) would you please converse with me (non-famous person)?" Sometimes, in our sense of want, we create obligations for other people.
A line of poetry is fluttering in my mind... I'll look it up and add it later.


I re-filled my presciption of levothyroxine today.

Not feeling well. Fred and I had trouble getting out of bed today. We both felt drugged, tired beyond belief... Now, here I am typing instead of reading and sleeping.

breakfast: cherry smoothie

lunch: sourdough toast with cream cheese

snack: Gloria Jean's small pumpkin spice chiller

dinner: tomato/potato soup

snack: plum

before bed: mint tea

I did not drink many fluids today. :-( *must work on that

Time to crawl in bed with a book, Travels by Michael Crichton http://www.crichton-official.com/

Monday, October 25, 2004

the beginning

Hello, I am planning on using this site to "scratch at the surface of my life" and hopefully connect with someone who is a kindred spirit or perhaps, someone of a completely different cloth.

I am a narcissist...
"A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in
self-esteem."
hmmmm, this nearly holds true except that I consider myself highly empathetic. Perhaps, I'm not. I'll try to explore that....

Last night, I watched Citizen Kane. http://www.filmsite.org/citi.html
thoughts:
*Orson Welles was HOT as a young man in his twenties. Too bad, he was hot before my dad was even born, eh?
*Don't we all seek to be loved? I wonder what it would mean to need to be loved more than to love someone....
*Charles Foster Kane loved no one more than himself. Does this mean he was incapable of love?
*If I want to be known and loved, am I asking too much?

Ok. Back to me (she says with tongue placed firmly in cheek)
Here's some info about my "disease"
"Hashimoto's Thyroiditis"
" Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (also called autoimmune or chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis) is the most common type of thyroiditis. It is named after the Japanese physician, Hakaru Hashimoto, that first described it in 1912. The thyroid gland is always enlarged, although only one side may be enlarged enough to feel. During the course of this disease, the cells of the thyroid becomes inefficient in converting iodine into thyroid hormone and "compensates" by enlarging (for a review of this process see our function page). The radioactive iodine uptake may be paradoxically high while the patient is hypothyroid because the gland retains the ability to take-up or "trap" iodine even after it has lost its ability to produce thyroid hormone. As the disease progresses, the TSH increases since the pituitary is trying to induce the thyroid to make more hormone, the T4 falls since the thyroid can't make it, and the patient becomes hypothyroid. The sequence of events can occur over a relatively short span of a few weeks or may take several years."

Now that we've/I've discussed what's wrong with my body, you may see why, in part, I am
fat, over-weight, voluptuous...beefy, big, blimp, brawny, broad, bulging, bulky, bull, burly, butterball, chunky, corpulent, cow, elephantine, fleshy, gargantuan, gross, heavy, heavyset, hefty, husky, inflated, jelly-belly, large, meaty, 'a woman of size', oversize, Rubenesque, plump, plumpish, ponderous, porcine, portly, potbellied, pudgy, roly-poly, rotund, solid, stout, stubby, swollen, thickset, tubby, weighty, well-padded (I love http://www.dictionary.com... I added a few synonyms of my own)

I am also : cushy, fertile, flourishing, fruitful, good, lush, and thriving.

Welcome to me.
(an enigma wrapped in a blanket of comfort posing as a paradox)

Going Nowhere

Which John Cusack Are You?