"When Life Hands Me Lemons I Make Beef Stew"

popular culture, an odd thing.
t-shirts creating reality.
blogging regurgitating blogging.

a remnant... a piece of thought that will lose its meaning as time wears away the path that led me here.


google. googling. googled.
"hey, i googled you."

it's the last day of 2005.
sigh

time to make an accounting of the old year
to make my resolutions
to create a new reality
to hope
to dream
to make stew

in 10 days, i will turn the page on another year of my life.
i will be slightly older.
the words of j alfred prufrock have been gaining a slight resonance in my life.

some days are better than others

this is my second time writing this entry...

ugh.

must remember to 'save as draft' when writing long, wandering ponderings about life
as i know it...

i began the other entry with this song...

U2 - Some Days Are Better Than Others Lyrics
Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less, but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor
Some days you're quick, but most days you're speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us
Some days are better than others
Some days it all adds up
And what you got is not enough
Some days are better than others
Some days are slippy, other days sloppy
Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy
Your skin is white but you think you're a brother
Some days are better than others
Some days you wake up with her complaining
Some sunny days you wish it was raining
Some days are sulky, some days have a grin
And some days have bouncers and won't let you in
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others
Some days are honest, some days are not
Some days you're thankful for what you've got
Some days you wake up in the army
And some days it's the enemy
Some days are work, most days you're lazy
Some days you feel like a bit of a baby
Lookin' for Jesus and His mother
Some days are better than others
Some days you feel ahead
You're making sense of what she said
Some days are better than others
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others.

today began poorly.
my head was throbbing after having been surrounded by...
smokers
last night.
i wrote a snippy note to a really cute guy,
who didn't deserve a snippy note.
(sorry beckett.)

(SIGH)
i am still hoping to learn how to be...
even a little zen-like
in waiting for godot.

i hobbled downstairs.
called my dad.
(who, for years, was my father... paternal unit, not clergy)
a nice, yet, awkward conversation.
(a relationship with many wounds slowly being healed)

does time heal all wounds?
not really,
i think we just learn to live with our scars.

after i hung up,
the phone rang.
i dread day time calls on the land line.
telemarketers...
selling free cruises.
wanting more student loan money.
offering the opportunity to incur more credit card debt.

yet, i picked up.

YEAH!!!
Zoey!
i miss zoey. yet, she doesn't call. i don't call.
we don't talk for weeks
or even months.
yet, she is one of my favourite, as her mom calls her, "child volunteers"
(heh, zoey, have you googled me? have i been dooced?)
she's no longer a child... but her mom has been a librarian for a long time.

we walked.
we picked up hot java at the railway cafe.

i confessed a crush that i am forming...
she listened
and understood...
which is good because i'm not sure that i understand my crush.


we were stood up by two very nice trollops...
which left us alone to drink the incredible green tea
(organic earl greyer, green tea)
to watch the best film ever made....

CASABLANCA!!!!

and to be lovingly surrounded by domestic livestock.

later...
as i leashed up the livestock for a walk...
the phone rang.

ugh.

land line.

i answered. begrudgingly.
preparing for the inevitable recording.
the request to "please stay on the line..."

SHANTI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(we hadn't spoken in months.)

two calls in one day...
on the land line.

some days are better than others.

now, that i've re-written this post...

i owe mr. unwonderful an apology... (referring to the blog, "unwonderful")
this entry lost some lustre in re-writing it...

but today felt perfect
even in its imperfection.

now, i am scratching at a scar...
i try to forget it is there...
but sometimes, it itches.

a feeling of loss

Christmas fell on a sunday this year.
meaning that sunday mass was not just any mass... it was Christ-mass.

yet, some churches did not have "services!?!?!"
i use the term services because i cannot imagine a roman catholic church cancelling mass on a sunday much less a holy day such as Christmas.

protestants are guilty of showing up on christmas eve in huge droves but ignoring church on christmas day... but this year, Christmas day was a SUNDAY.

i went to church with my grandma and was astounded that only a dozen or so people showed up.

what... the.....?????

i am not perfect.
i miss the occasional mass. not many. but a few.
i try to live my life in such a way that i observe the sabbath...

but when Christian church opt out of observing the sabbath!!!
in order to provide family time????

we've lost something fundamental.

a quote to think about:

some 'mega-churches' decided to hand out dvds rather than hold services:
"This has to be the most trite, hypocritical, shallow, impersonall bullshit I've heard come out of those horrible places. And this by pseudo-religious organizations (those damn things aren't "churches," they're malls that sell Jesus), after all the ridiculous whining over secular businesses and public schools not giving Christmas special recognition."

or consider this
"I see this in many ways as a capitulation to narcissism, the self-centered, me-first, I'm going to put me and my immediate family first agenda of the larger culture," said Ben Witherington III, professor of New Testament interpretation at Asbury Theological Seminary in Wilmore, Ky. "If Christianity is an evangelistic religion, then what kind of message is this sending to the larger culture - that worship is an optional extra?"

worship is a fundamental part of being a Christian.
church is not a convenience.
it is not a one size fits all.
it should not be scheduled around football games or play second fiddle to our busy lives.

we, as Christians, are responsible for making the sabbath an integral part of our very being.
if we don't make it a priority, no one else will.

if we treat church as a chore or inconvenience, how rich will our faith life be?

tis the night before christmas

i am feeling really good tonight...
despite my normal trepidations about this holiday.

the materialism always makes my stomach lurch.

but tonight...

that is out of my mind.

old friends were seen tonight
familiar faces
good conversations
the promise of re-kindling old connections
making new frienships

a discussion of art
and of music

i am listening to a band with a member i've known for years...
well, i've known his family for years.
his parents are incredible.
i've stopped and chatted with them while walking many times.
now,
i am
listening
to his
band
online.
www.publicradioband.com
VERY COOL BAND!!!

possibilities float in the air like tiny snow flakes!!!

i am simply happy.

sleeping arrangements

i sleep in a very small bed.
i sleep between a cat and a dog.

i've been sleeping with this cat for almost 13 years.
samuel longhorn beckett has been with me longer than any man.
he has refused to leave the bed...
to the consternation of some.
he has snuggled
and stolen my pillow on more than one occasion.


now, i've brought a real dog to bed.
not a scoundrel.
nor a thief.

a miniature schnauzer.... hmmmm, who on second thought, has been, occasionally, known to be both a thief and a scoundrel.

so far so good,

the cat watches the dog sleep before settling in.

each night, he settles in closer to the dog.


a big cat and a little dog....
with a jenny in between.

someday, i will meet a man.

how will he find room in my bed?

the nine cities of theophilus north

i am happily diving back into two hobbies: watching films and reading books.

i am hoping to return to being a voracious consumer of both.

thanks to netflix. (bowing and suplicating myself to these online geniuses!!!)
i am able to watch films from around the world.

here's what i've most recently watched:

The Barbarian Invasions, 2003 (canada- french language film)
an interesting look at life by studying the act of dieing

Being Julia, 2004 (english)
anette benning is beyond brilliant in this role. she is subtle and radiant!

Born Into Brothels, 2004 (american documentary shot in calcutta, india)
an interesting look at a very different world but it raises the question:
how does be a westerner skew our perceptions and ability to help those who are different from ourselves?
i was very impressed by the sheer number of hours that the filmmaker spent in dealing with red tape and standing in never ending lines only to be told to go to another and another and another long line. she loved those children.

March of the Penguins, 2004 (french documentary team, shot in anarctica, for national geographic)
fascinating.
the short film about the french filmmakers was the best part. it was supposed to be about them but ended up being more about the penguins.

Tortilla Soup, 2001 (usa)
shhhhhhhh, i am in love with hector elizondo!

Zelary, 2003 (czech republic)
wow.
a must see.
amazing.
it should have won the oscar.

The Mother, 2003 (english)
a study in solipsism.
my pain is worse than your pain.
my joy is better than your joy.
no one seems to be empathetic in this film. a group of self-involved people leading very self-involved lives which don't take into account the feelings of others.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, 2005 (usa)
amazing.
i laughed.
i cried.
i laughed til i cried.

Sex Is Comedy, 2002 (french)
the film that made me a black sheep at the american red cross.
i wonder if i am the reason they moved the apheresis chairs. hmmmm.
perhaps the HUGE male cock that is flaunted about in it!!!


i am just finishing "theophilus north" by thornton wilder.
lovely novel.
it's my second reading of it.
a delightful read. it's like reading a series of short stories connected by the thread of being told by a single narrator.
i am reading through my library in order to start setting a number of my books free. (www.bookcrossing.com)

this is what wretched feels like.

yesterday, i felt fine. great, in fact. my plasma/platelet donation was progressing fine.
then, my lips began to tingle.
my tummy felt a little off.

only 7 minutes to go.

the room began to dissolve in my vision.
i felt violently ill.

something... terribly... wrong.....

"please stop the procedure... now... i am passing out."

a scramble to disconnect me.

i lay in the chair for awhile. the red cross nurses brought me water.
i sipped.
i lay.

i decided to walk to the refreshment area.
i started walking.
i started weaving.

the nurse called to me, "are you ok?"
"i feel a little wobbly."

waking from a dream. i am asleep....
the sudden realization that i am being washed down with cold rags.
i am cold.
i am laying on the floor on the areican red cross.

but i was just walking a moment ago?
why didn't i feel myself fall?

(two nurses managed to catch me mid-fall.)

i sat at the snack table eating cheese & crackers sipping on oj.
began feeling woozy.

laid down on a cot they brought over.

began idly chatting with other donors.

feeling ill.
excused myself & headed to the bathroom. (hoping not to faint again. fainting sucks.)

rushed in the bathroom just in time to... puke!
nurse rushed in after me.
(left the door open in my haste.)

throwing up in front of a stranger, embarassing.

(this happened three times before i could leave. not fun.)

got a ride home.
knew i couldn't drive.

more throwing up.

today, i feel as though i pulled every muscle in my body.

i feel... icky.

an entry for my friend, rothko

an unexpected call from a friend who has drifted out of your life
is a rare gift,
especially when that friend is as kind & funny as rothko.

sadly, i called him back while arranging a display of baubles.
my mind was engaged and yet, disengaged. he was funny and inquistive.

what new excithing things were happening in my life?

i felt a bit taken off guard. exciting? my life?

yet, there is an exicitement in me. a certain 'joi de vivre!'

here's a list of things that are currently making me happy:

1.) i am single!
fred was/ is a great guy... but not the great love of my life.
i was settling.
he was settling.

i am excited by the possibility of love.
of passion.
of falling in love all over again.

i miss kissing. (a theme in my writing these days.)
after a six year draught, the soil aches for rain.
for slow loving kisses.

someday.
i will kiss again.

for now, i am joyfully single... dreaming of what someday will be.

2.) i am writing.
i am beginning to visit this space more often.
i am forming my own voice... relishing words.

3.) my dog brings me a certain joy.

he plays.
he cuddles.

we walk together and i feel a little safer.
life is better when you have someone to walk alongside.

he plays in the snow.
we play in the snow.
life is better when you have someone who reminds you to play daily.

4.) i am paying off my debts.
(i loathe discussing anything financial so that is all you need to know.)

5.) i am watching movies the way most people watch tv.
(ok, this is a slight exagerration but i do watch 2-3 movies/films a week.)

i am a bibilophile and a film junkie.
i love watching a film and painting.
i love watching a film and giving plasma....

6.) i am giving the american red cross my plasma and platelets once a month.

it feels good to put action behind belief.

(pause in writing, i need to get ready to go give said plasma)

pray for the rapture

my friend, monk, is the man of a million quotes and witticisms.
his best, 'what can you do about it?' quote, "pray for the rapture.'

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

nowhere to go & all day to get there

it's a cold snowy winter day and my day off!

i'm sitting at the computer sipping coffee with a light topping of foam. (i used the cappucino machine to froth the milk for my coffee.)

rover is sleeping on the bed. toby is laying on the big overstuffed 'dog chair.'

i've decided to use today's blog to respond to a few of my favourite bloggers.

tara dawn had these questions in her blog and i lifted them to answer:

1. What brings you comfort?

warm milk with the hint of vanilla,
soft blankets,
the sound of rain on the roof & being dry inside,
listening to music that matches my mood,
the album "pretty hate machine" is an oddly comforting album for me
(perhaps because i've entwined so many memories into its haunting & edgy tunes)
painting,
writing in my journal,
laughing with a friend,
holding a sleeping animal,
watching snow softly falling,
a note in the mail from a friend faraway,
the sounds of birds in the morning,
seeing the steam of my breath in the air while bundled up in layers of warm clothing,
starry nights,
slipping into a warm bubble bath,
sipping hot tea (or rish coffee tempered with warm milk,)
reading a novel that resonates inside of me (currently reading "theophilus north")
watching a film that shows the beauty of truth
crying out of sheer joy
crying because it is the only appropriate response
listening to the sound of a loved ones breathing as they sleep
kissing
hugging
loving

i am comforted by so many things that this list will grow by the minute and with each intake of breath.

2. What is one quote that has left a profound impact on your life?

the quote that has been reverberating in my brain lately is:

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."
Marcel Proust


3. What are three things on your life-list (list of things you want to do in this lifetime)?

a.) travel around the world

b.) paint, paint, paint.... without worrying about the why and for whom of it all
("...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination
to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -Sylvia Plath) everything in life is paintable too.

c.) be a good companion to those i love

krishna bhatt
is struggling with a bad day.

here's my response to a bad day:

any day can be a good day.
any day can be a bad day.
sometimes it's the day that is either bad or good, it's how we choose to respond.
the irish throw a party for the dead.
even in mourning, we have a choice.
in living, the choice is more profound.
i am deeply saddened by people who seem to be so wrapped up in bitterness that life seems to sit like ashes upon their tongues. (i pray for these people.)

it has been said that you cannot know pleasure without pain.
in order to see the beauty of life, there needs to be a contrast.
the ugliness and nastiness of life can result in profound beauty and growth.
we all must die in order to live. we must experience loss in order to appreciate life.

i write all of this with a dear friend in mind.
tomorrow marks the 14th anniversary of her mother's death.
these words will not shield her from her pain.
i write them to console myself somehow & so that hopefully, i can be a better friend for her.

last night, she remarked, "after 14 years you'd think this wouldn't hurt so much."

to which i said, "there are deep hurts that we have that heal but the scar tissue lasts a lifetime."

i have a scar on my hand.
in the cold, it gets angry and red.
at other times, you can hardly see it.
we all have scars. sometimes a small injury can leave a big scar.
scars remind us of our injuries but it does not mean that we need to relive the cause.
my mom is alive.
i have no idea what losing her would be like

all i can do is pray.

balance

i wish that i could learn the art of economy.
the economics of time,
the art of money.

all too often, when given time or money,
too quickly i consume them.
if i had either unlimited time or unlimited money,
i would most likely waste a great deal of both.

as it stands, i have limited portions of both.

i need to live a more balanced life.